Mindy Fuchs

We Are Not Born Happy, We Learn and Pursue It

We Are Born Unhappy For Our Own Good

Thomas Jefferson wrote, in the Declaration of Independence, that we are endowed by our Creator certain unalienable rights. Included in those rights is the pursuit of happiness. Clearly, Mr. Jefferson knew that happiness is not merely bestowed upon us. In fact, we are not born happy, but it is our goal and the intent of our Creator. Like any goal, we must learn skills to achieve and pursue it. This post describes our happiness: why we aren’t born happy and how we learn and pursue it.

Imagine what it would be like for a baby to be born happy. A sweet little bundle of joy lying in his/her crib peaceful and content. But wait! How would his mom know when to feed him, change his diaper, or comfort him? His mom wouldn’t know what he needed so she would have to guess. This would create chaos for everyone. The baby could fail to thrive, be overindulged, or be so strictly regimented by his mom’s schedule, he wouldn’t grow to be independent. He wouldn’t learn how to connect with people and develop empathy. His mom would be confused and stressed out from not knowing what to do. Conclusion: If babies were born happy, they would become naturally unhappy.

We Have an Inherent Desire for Happiness

When we are born, we are at a primal level and rely on our instincts for existence. We just know when we need to eat and need to be comforted. And, we know if we don’t eat, we will die. Therefore, we communicate our needs and discomfort through noticeably unhappy behaviors. We cry and fuss. If that doesn’t satisfy our needs, we become even more fearful and angry, so, we scream and thrash about until our needs are satisfied – and we are happy.

Since infants and children have more instincts and emotions than knowledge, their behaviors correlate with what they are feeling. When their circumstances are good, they feel good and they are happier. But, when they have pain or negative experiences, especially ones they’ve never had before, they become afraid and behave accordingly. They fuss and whine until they are reassured and comforted. In essence, they are seeking peace, joy, love, satisfaction, freedom, and contentment, aka happiness.

In order to seek happiness, we must know it exists. Therefore, we have the inherent knowledge that happiness exists. However, we must learn how to experience it and how to get it. But, how many of us got that life lesson?

Happiness Is a State

I’ve had many people tell me they aren’t happy. However, when I ask them what it would be like for them if they were happy, they don’t have a clear answer. Perhaps it’s because many of us weren’t taught what real happiness is. My previous posts define and describe happiness. But, here is an overview.

Happiness is a state in which we choose to live. It’s like where we physically live. Let’s take Michigan where I live. Like all the other states in the USA, there are independent localities within Michigan that collectively make up the state. What happens in one locality doesn’t necessarily affect the other localities, but can impact the state as a whole. No matter what natural or manmade events happen while I’m in Michigan, i.e. tornados, earthquakes, blizzards, etc., it doesn’t change the fact that I am still in Michigan. To leave the state, I must physically cross the border one of two ways. I can choose to cross the border to another state or someone who overpowers me can force me out.

Similarly, there are independent areas that make up the state of happiness. These include joy, peace, love, satisfaction, freedom, and contentment. If something goes wrong in one area, it doesn’t have to affect the other areas. For example, if you have a major loss, you won’t be joyful, but you can still be peaceful. Other examples: You can still be satisfied with your efforts even if you didn’t win a trophy. After having a bad (joyless) day, you can have freedom from guilt if you eat only two cookies instead of the entire package.

More Time in Your Natural State Means Less Time in Happiness

When you’re not happy, you are spending too much time living in fear rather than peace, anger rather than joy, contempt rather than love, shame rather than satisfaction, and guilt rather than contentment. In other words, you’re residing more in your natural state than the state of happiness. If you stay too long in the natural you’ll get sad, depressed, bored, and anxious.

Unlike leaving your physical state, the way you leave happiness is by your own choice. You can choose to cross over to the natural or you can let other people and situations overpower you and push you out into fear, anger, contempt, shame, or guilt. But, only if you say it’s okay.

To Be Happy is an Independent Choice

It is easy to live in our natural state. We’re already there when we wake up every morning. To move out of it, we must have somewhere to go. Therefore, we must decide to be happy. In order to make that decision, we must rouse our conscious mind and launch it into action. When we do this, we awaken our spirit, which is our conscious mind working in harmony with our subconscious knowledge. From our spirit, we set ourselves up to be and stay happy.

The efforts we must do to achieve happiness become our responsibility as we become more consciously independent. We start out depending on others to make us happy. As we mature, we learn how to make choices in relation to our level of independence. It’s our parents’ responsibility to manage this for us. If they use an orderly approach where they give their children age appropriate responsibilities and exposures, the children develop the ability to make more deliberate choices. This brings the children out of their natural state, gets them used to experiencing genuine happiness, and teaches them how to make independent choices that keep them happy.

Parents who didn’t or don’t use this type of approach (usually because they live in the natural) don’t bring their children out of their natural state nor do they show them how to get out.

What We Learned About Happiness

It’s easy to get the wrong lessons about being happy, especially if our parents didn’t learn how. Here’s what many of us learned about happiness — We begin our lives by depending on other people to make us happy. Then, we are shown that celebrations, special occasions, winning trophies, getting what we want, and certain events make us happy. From this, we learn that happiness comes from getting what we want, being indulged, winning competitions, and being in the company of people who are pleased and non-threatening. In other words, we learned that we get happy when our nature gets satisfied and we learned that our circumstances determine our happiness.

We also learned in order to maintain that type of happiness, we must depend on other people to make us happy, we need things to be happy, and we need to make other people happy. These are the very complaints I hear from the people who aren’t happy.

What We Should Know About Happiness

The state of happiness is above nature. It is supernatural and we can only get there if we move beyond nature. Three Men and a Truck or Atlas Van Lines won’t get us there. We can only get there through the one who is super-natural as demonstrated by the story of Jesus and his disciples in the boat. It goes…

A great storm swept over the sea while Jesus and his Disciples were in a boat. The Disciples panicked, but Jesus lay asleep. The Disciples were terrified. Fearing for their lives, they yelled for Jesus to wake up. First, He questioned their faith (asking them why they didn’t stop and think about Him being with them). Then, he calmed the winds. Instantly, they realized the power of Jesus. With that, their fear shifted from the crushing fear of what nature can do to the reverential fear of what God can do. (Mark 4:35-41)

Jesus showed that He is more powerful than nature. So, in order for us to overcome our nature, we need God. We must have faith and practice God’s ways of patience, fortitude (strength and courage), love, peace, forbearance (self-control), kindness, goodness, gentleness. We must follow His rules. But, for those who’ve gotten comfortable in their natural state, this looks boring and scary – like you have to be quiet and submissive.

It might look boring and scary, but it certainly is not. If you are serious about being happy, you must look at the end game. What kind of finish do you want for yourself? How do you want your children to be? What does having joy, peace, love, satisfaction, freedom, and contentment look like in your life?

The state of happiness does not go without excitement, pleasure, and fun. Those are added attractions to an established level of joy and satisfaction. They result in less regrets and happier memories. This is what God wants for us, but we must go after it.

Pursuing Happiness

Pursuing happiness can be as challenging as surviving in nature. The customs of nature make us greedy and competitive. Therefore, we’re always wanting something and will do crazy things to get it. It’s easy to be reactive and blame and shame others when we don’t get what we want. It is more difficult to consciously maintain our peace and joy when we are disappointed or when bad things happen. But, these are the challenges that matter. They are the ones that make us better people and allow us to have happier relationships. They help us overcome our nature and make us happy.

Start pursuing your own happiness:

• If you find you blame other people for your unhappiness, stop! Remember, unless you’re an infant or toddler, you’ve outgrown your need for other people to make you happy. Other people can add to your happiness, but you are responsible for acquiring and maintaining it. No one can force you out of happiness unless you say it’s okay.
• Learn to set yourself up to be happy. One way is to start each day with thanksgiving and anticipation. Thank God for a new day and new opportunities.
• Become acquainted with peace and joy.
• Talk how you want to be. Use “joy,” “satisfaction,” “peaceful,” “happy,” and any other word that describes how you want to be as you speak.

Read Essentials to get more tips on how to pursue happiness. Stay tuned for more ways to be happier.

Impatience is Natural, But Patience Makes Us Happy

In my last post, I discussed the nature of Miseralites and how they live like the “natural man.” One of their natural traits that is inherent to all of us is their lack of patience or impatience. While impatience can get us what we need to survive, it does nothing to help us survive well. Impatience is natural, but patience makes us happy.

The Look of Impatience

How often do you honk at the driver in front of you when he doesn’t immediately take off as the light turns green? How many eye rolls do you make while waiting in the check-out line? How frustrated do you get when the computer is slow? If we looked at ourselves during these times of impatience, we would look like the guy in the picture. When we are impatient, we pout, frown, glare, and scowl. These are expressions we find repulsive in others.

Patience

By nature, we are impatient. Patience isn’t a trait. It is a virtue, a skill we all have the ability to achieve. Patience is how we choose to behave while waiting to get what we want or to achieve a goal.

Patience leads to success. Look at our ancestors. Could you wait and endure like they did? Think about your own family history. During WW II, my dad, like many soldiers spent a week on a crowded ship coming back from Europe. They didn’t have TV, fine dining, luxury suites, or communication with their loved ones. They made the best of their situation. They were patient. Consider people even before that time. Our ancestors’ patience has afforded us to have all the things we enjoy now. Can and would you do the same for your descendants?

Society Drives Impatience

We are being conditioned to strengthen our nature and be more impatient than fortify the goodness of patience. Our society emphasizes the need for instant relief, instant access, and instant gratification. This leaves us feeling a sense of urgency rather than the calmness and satisfaction we are led to believe we will get.

When we don’t practice patience, we keep wanting results faster and faster. We get stressed out and stress out others at the same time. We develop anxiety, anger issues, high blood pressure, digestive issues, headaches, and other illnesses. Our impatience damages our relationships. It also leads to more self-defeating behaviors, such as stubbornness, self-righteousness, and pride.

Even though impatience is natural, patience makes us happy, so why wouldn’t we want to do it more? Why wouldn’t a society that is so focused on natural and organic foods, medications for better health, and products to promote good health be so impatient?

Benefits of Being Patient

If you want to be happier and healthier, practice patience. Here are the benefits:

• We make better decisions. When we are patient, we take more time to see the big picture and that gives us more information to make better decisions.
• Reduces stress. Making ourselves stop and think through a situation slows us down so we don’t feel rushed or forced.
• We form better relationships. When we wait with a good attitude, we are more accepting of others. It allows us to be more compassionate and empathic.
• We are freer. Patience eliminates anxiety, criticism, judgment, and anger making us free from distress and self-loathing.
• Provides anticipatory pleasure. Patience allows us to experience the same kind of pleasure we have when we’re waiting for a happy occasion. For example, my son and daughter-in-law just had their third child and waited to know the baby’s gender. They agreed that waiting to find out gave them more to look forward to. It made the anticipation even more exciting and fun.
• Promotes a better future.

Test Your Patience

Take the patience challenge. Evaluate your level of patience and how it affects your daily life. Notice how you behave when someone or something prevents you from getting what you want when you want it or think you should have it.

We’ve all tripped up things for people and caused them to not get what they wanted when they wanted it. If you are impatient, give yourself a moment to think and assess the situation. Take an inventory of yourself:

• Are you expecting too much from someone?
• Have you ever made a mistake that inconvenienced someone?
• Do you recall how relieved you were when someone was patient with you?
• Do you remember what it was like when someone was impatient with you?

Then, figure out better strategies that you can implement:

• Evaluate the priority of the event – in the scheme of things how important is this? This gives you more options.
• Ask yourself, “How can I make this the best possible situation?” This keeps you independent. It relieves others of the burden to make you happy and gives you ownership of your own happiness.
• Choose to believe the best. When we choose to believe the best, we automatically set ourselves and others up for a better outcome.

Worth the Wait

Keep your ultimate goal in view. When we are waiting for something, our ultimate goal is success and satisfaction. Even if you don’t get what you want when you want it, practicing good behaviors during the wait will give you more joy, peace, and satisfaction. It will be worth the wait. You will be happier.

What Do You See? (How Our Views Affect Our Happiness)

Most people I work with agree that they are seeking guidance because they want to be happier. Our work begins with them telling me their stories. Each story is unique, but always includes other characters and emotions. No one can tell a story solely about himself because we cannot exist alone, and emotions are always involved because they connect us with each other. This post, “What Do You See? (How Our Views Affect Our Happiness)” explains how our view of ourselves and others can promote or demote our happiness.

We Tell Our Stories Through Our Senses

We tell our stories through our eyes, the way our mind interpreted the events, and by the feelings of our hearts. Our description of the characters in our stories are based on how they looked and behaved, and how they made us feel. This becomes the basis for how we view them and ultimately ourselves.

Our circumstances are the settings for our stories. Since we are central to those circumstances, we have the innermost vantage point. This makes it easier to look out than look in. Therefore, when we tell our stories, we focus on our feelings, our thoughts, our expectations, and what happened to us. Our focus becomes our story.

We Can’t, Don’t, or Won’t See Other Sides of Our Story

We are not one dimensional so neither are our stories. Our stories have other sides that come from the other characters and observers. These are the sides we can’t, don’t, or won’t see.

We can’t see the other side if we have limited knowledge at the time. If we haven’t acquired enough knowledge, maturity, or experience to question or challenge other people’s ideas or actions, we will just take in their story as our own. This go with the flow method of maintaining a story is easy an safe. When we adopt someone else’s story, we don’t have to be independent thinkers and risk rejection, criticism, injury, or failure. We just accept the story and go with it.

If our story involved any hurt or pain, our alert system will want us to avoid that pain. We will shield or barricade ourselves behind anger or avoidance towards the ones who hurt us. This prevents us from seeing anything beyond what is directly in front of us. Therefore, we don’t see the other side. In addition, our subconscious mind stores the pain of hurtful events so we can avoid that pain in the future and secure our existence. While our subconscious mind has good intentions, the embedded bad thoughts and feelings give us more distress. This influences how we view our situations, ourselves, and others. It determines how we tell our stories.

Pride and stubbornness position us where we won’t see the other side of the story. Pride (the self-serving version) is having an extremely high sense of self that puts you above others. When you have this kind of pride, you can’t be beat. You have all the right moves and all the right answers. Pride destroys empathy and limits your compassion for others. So, you have little consideration for other people and their circumstances.

Two parts pride plus one part fear equals stubbornness. Stubborn people won’t let down their guard for fear of being wrong, failing, being rejected, being mocked, being criticized, or being disappointed. They won’t move beyond guarding themselves and their egos to care enough about seeing the other sides. They become controllers, aka “control freaks.” Even if they admit there is another side, they manipulate it so it conforms to what they want to see. Stubbornness prevents humility and causes more stress.

Not seeing or considering other sides of our stories causes us more distress and creates more bad stories. Changing any attitude of fear, pride, and stubbornness will give you a better view of your situation. Also, looking at it from a distance helps broaden the view, allowing you to take in more information and relay a more accurate story.

Difficult to See When You’re In The Situation

Being the observer in my clients’ stories allows me to see their situation from a distant view point. I liken it to an experience my family and I had when we went to one our annual Notre Dame Football games.

My husband acquired tickets for what sounded like extraordinary seats. They were in the “Field Box” section. Thinking we hit the seating jackpot, we were eager to our treasure pews. We discovered the seats were field level directly behind the Notre Dame players, who by the way, never sit down during the game. Our seats gave us a prime view of the players’ seats.

We were so close to the team, it was like we were right in the game with the players. But, our position didn’t give us visibility to see what was happening. There was no Jumbo Tron to watch and we couldn’t stand up because of the people sitting behind us. In order to see where the ball was coming from and going to, we had to twist and turn to look around the wall of players. Being “in the game” limited our view and awareness of what was actually going on. We were more aware of our own misery and did not enjoy the game.

Advantage of Distance Viewing

The people who tell me their stories are like my family and I were at the game. They are or were in “it,” and similarly to us, were or are unable to see around the obstacles to know what is going on. Therefore, they are more aware of their own discomfort, which in real life situations includes feelings of fear, anger, contempt, resentment, disappointment, sadness, guilt, and shame. I, on the other hand, am like the television crew in the blimp that hovers over the football field. High above the field, I see the big picture – who’s on the field, where the players are going, where the ball is coming from, and how the plays unfold. This panoramic view allows me to take in more information from which I gain a better understanding of what happened and why it happened.

Have a Broader View to See The Big Picture

While we cannot distance ourselves from our own stories, we can look at the bigger picture. When I work with people, I help them do this. After a detailed discussion about the client’s life experience, I ask about parents, grandparents, and sometimes great-grandparents. It’s amazing how this historical view can change the client’s current view.

Sally’s Story

My client, Sally is a good example of this. Sally, a lovely woman in her mid 50’s, came in because of anxiety and panic episodes. The panic episodes worsened over the past few months, soon after her mother’s death. After a thorough assessment, I asked about her childhood and her parents. She described her mother as “a saint,” and her father as “Satan.” She despised him, describing him as an, “uncaring, selfish, drunk.” She focused on how loving her mom was and how bad her dad was; how bad he made her feel and how he mistreated her. Now, the security and loving part of her life was gone and she was panicked.

Focusing on The Other Characters

I asked Sally to tell me her parents’ stories. She described her mom to be loving and kind despite all the tribulations she endured. Unenthusiastically, she talked about her father’s history. He was one of the older children raised in a large poor family. His dad, a heavy drinker, abandoned the family. He had to help out with the finances.

Apparently, Sally’s family went to church, which she added, “Seemed to do him no good.” He was a firefighter, got married and started a family. Then, he was stricken with a serious illness that impaired his health so he had to quit his job. After being off for a long time, he got a less than rewarding job and at that point, started drinking in excess. His bitterness and mean spirit, especially when he drank, caused a great deal of trouble for the family and especially Sally, who at one time adored him. He sorely disappointed her.

Retelling Sally’s Story Back to Her

I reviewed the story with Sally from my distant point of view. Looking at the big picture, we first talked about first responders; how there isn’t a whole lot of people who choose that field, how they don’t get paid very well, how necessary they are for our existence, and how the people who do that kind of work do it because of their passion for it. Their desire to help people is so great that they are willing to lay down their lives for others – a most selfless characteristic. “No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends.” John 15:13

We went on to talk about how disappointing it must have been for her dad to have the job he loved taken away from him. His life was filled with losses (and these were the only ones Sally knew about) – the loss of his father, the loss of his families’ security, the loss of an infant daughter, and the loss of the job he loved. How does one overcome these severe losses? Loss always adds grief. When we talked about the grief process, we agreed that he could have easily been stuck in the process. In those days, therapy wasn’t popular and there weren’t the kinds of resources we have today for help and support. The cultural attitude was to “man up” and move on.

Sally’s Real Story

Grief is a miserable process. The denial, bargaining, anger, and depression phases of the grief cycle are inescapable when we suffer a loss, no matter how big or small. We grieve when we are disappointed and we are disappointed when we don’t get what we want. Sally’s dad didn’t get what he wanted and needed – just like Sally.

Sally and her father were more alike than she cared to admit, but after she looked at the bigger picture, she felt more compassion and empathy for her father. It didn’t change her situation and she still had to correct the effects from how she was treated, but compassion and empathy allowed her to forgive her father and gain more peace and satisfaction in her life. She was happier.

Change Your View, Change Your Story

When you tell your story, what do you see?

If you tell your story from your innermost viewpoint, you will have a limited view that will limit your reality. Your focus will be you and most likely how harmed you were. Open your view and think about the characters in your story. What are their stories?

You may see the less than ideal circumstances of their lives. However, their stories are not excuses for bad behaviors. They will give you more knowledge and understanding. From this you might learn the things that happened to you weren’t your fault and from this you can be happier with yourself.

Considering other characters’ stories gives you insight. The more knowledge and understanding you gain from their stories, the more you learn how to forgive. Even if the characters in your story don’t ask for forgiveness and you don’t believe they deserve it, the information you get opens you up to compassion and empathy which allows you to forgive which yields peace and happiness. When you forgive, you let go of the pain other people caused. You become the hero of your story and you are happy.

Seeing All Sides Paints a Happier Picture

If you have trouble seeing the other side(s) of your story, what is obstructing your view? Check for fear, stubbornness, and pride. Fear will keep you fighting, running, or paralyzed. Stubbornness will ruin your confidence and relationships. Pride will destroy your value, acceptance, and love. Remember, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18

Looking at all sides of your story lets you see through the eyes of others. It gives you more information for your mind to interpret and opens your heart to love you would have missed.