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#27 Overcome Negativity Part 2: Overcome Your Negativity

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To overcome negativity, the best place to start is with yourself.  While many people wouldn’t describe themselves as being negative, it’s surprising how others would.  You may have more negative characteristics than you care to admit.  But, you can replace those characteristics with ones that will make you more positive.  Learn how to assess yourself for negativity and overcome your negativity.  Then, you’ll be better at overcoming negativity in others.

We View Ourselves Differently

We don’t typically view ourselves the way other people view us.  These views can go in a positive or negative direction.  People with inadequate self-worth view themselves worse than others view them and people with too much self-esteem or pride view themselves better than the way other people see them.  So, whose view is correct?

There is no definitive answer.  The best solution is we should be transparent and continuously strive to be the best version of ourselves no matter what.  When you are transparent, you are your true self regardless of who you are with.  Remember, you can’t make anyone like you.  Doing that will make you negative since your true self will be absent.  Be truthful unto yourself and others.  Then, let people decide whether they like you.  Allowing people to choose whether they like you helps you work on being the best version of yourself since you implement your core values with people even if they don’t like you.  You give trust, honor, respect, and truth to them and yourself.

When People Don’t Like Themselves They Have no Peace

No one likes everyone.  However, even if you don’t like someone, you can still love that person by being kind, patient, and respectful towards him/her.  Some people don’t even like or love themselves.  Anyone would rarely admit that, but their behaviors tell a different story.  People who don’t like or love themselves lack the necessary characteristics that make them happy.  These people are negative.  They have an absence of inner peace, which prevents them from having outer peace with others.  Strife overtakes their peace.  And, “Where there is strife there is pride….”  (Proverbs 13:10)

Pride and Strife = Negativity

There is nothing good about pride.  God hates it.  (Proverbs 6:16-19)  And we are warned about pride’s outcomes.  “Pride goes before destruction.”  (Proverbs 16:18)  Why, then, do so many of us wear a suit of pride?

A collective group of lions is a pride, so named because we view them as regal and promote them as superior in their jungle society.  When we suffer from pride, we have a regal attitude and elevate ourselves.  We develop this kind of pride when raised without believing we are acceptable, valuable, and loveable.  And this usually happens when there is too much strife in the home.

When raised in an environment of strife, our emotional and sometimes physical needs go unmet.  We learn to focus on getting what we want and become competitive.  Since our needs are absent, we go with what we know – our instincts.  We become more accustomed to fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt than joy, peace, love, freedom, satisfaction, and contentment.  This absence of needs creates a vacuum that nature must fill.  So, we fill that void with natural ways that keep us on top of all situations and ensure our existence.  We create pride.

Characteristics of Pride

To overcome the negativity associated with pride, you must be aware of its characteristics.  The following list includes attitudes and behaviors common to people who suffer from pride.

Other Negative Traits

Apart from pride, negative people also share the following traits:

You don’t have to exhibit all the listed traits to be negative.  Depending on the day, you may have more or less.  You might have some that aren’t on these lists.

To Overcome Negativity, Counter Your Nature

Remember, negative attitudes and behaviors are indigenous to our nature.  Paul tells us in Galatians 5:19-20 that we live with strife and pride when we live in our “sin nature.”

To overcome negativity, you must overpower your nature.  Authority, commitment, and determination are required to accomplish this.  Believe it or not, you have these.  God gave you authority by giving you a thinking brain.  And commitment and determination are part of your DNA.  But, you have to admit you have these attributes and practice them to accomplish the task.

If you feel your commitment and determination are weak, you’ll have to build up their strength.  Convince yourself that you are committed and determined by giving them attention and importance.  An easy way to do this is by talking about them.  Use “committed” and “determined” in your vocabulary.  An example is, “I am determined to make this the best day possible!”  “I am committed to my family.”  (Side note: This might sound weird since these words aren’t used much in our everyday talk.)  It won’t take long before you develop a true belief about being commited and determined.

Commitment and determination are crucial for overcoming your nature because when you counter your sin nature, you fight against yourself.  Your subconscious mind will view your conscious acts as antagonists and sound the alarm.  You’ll feel resistance and a strong pull back to how you were born (your nature).  You’ll arouse your survival emotions and the creative ways (negative traits) you perpetuate them.  War will be declared between your conscious and subconscious minds.

Be Proactive

Take heart!  You are smarter than your emotions.  The key to success is to use your conscious mind to overcome and correct the bad information in your subconscious mind.  You must be proactive.  Activate the reasoning, knowledge, and awareness of your conscious mind to have authority over your nature (your subconscious).  You gain this authority by:

Purposefully thinking

Paying attention

Gathering information

Practicing new attitudes and behaviors

Evaluating outcomes

Thinking on purpose allows you to pay attention, gather information, decide what you want to practice, and assess your success.  So, get in the habit of taking a minute to stop and think before acting.

Conscious awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors will help you overcome your negativity.  Here are the steps to make that happen.

Step One: Pay Attention

  1. The first step to overcome negativity is to recognize how negative you are.  Pay attention to yourself.  Identify what you say, do, and think that makes you feel bad and be negative.  Use the lists above as guides.

You may find one, a few, or many ways you talk, behave, or think that make you feel negative.  You can write them down if you choose.

We form bad habits by practicing certain attitudes and behaviors through how we talk and what we do.  When you pay attention to yourself, you’ll recognize your bad habits.  To make a successful change, you must have a goal.  Therefore, you must identify a replacement for your bad habit.

Step Two: Identify Positivity and Its Outcomes

2. Identify what positivity would be like for you.

You must understand positivity.  Be realistic and know we all have bad days.  No one is perfectly positive.  But, bad days for positive people aren’t as bad as bad days for negative folks.

Sometimes people only imagine what it’s like to be positive.  Imagination is good, but expectation leads to positivity.  Imagination can lead to unrealistic expectations, which lead to disappointment.  The following list gives you information about positive characteristics that lead to happiness.  Positive people:

Now, consider:

a) What you think your life would look like if you were more positive.

b) How would it affect you, your family, your friends, and your coworkers?

[CAUTION:  You must be especially attentive to yourself during this step.  Your “old self” will sense its days are numbered and will resist.  It will oppose your “new self.”  Therefore, it’s common to have intrusive thoughts during this phase.  You may think, “That’ll never happen,” “This won’t work,” “This is stupid,” or “I don’t want to do this.”  Overcome these obstacles by thinking purposefully – use your reasoning, knowledge, and awareness.  Challenge oppositional thoughts by asking yourself, “What evidence do I have that this is true?” or “What’s the worst that can happen if I (ex. forgive)?”]

Pay Attention to Yourself

As you consider your life and the effects of being more positive, be aware of how you feel.  If any doubts creep in, think where these doubts originated.  Common sources for this kind of negativity is your family of origin and other important people, especially in your young life.  Negativity is contagious.  Therefore, you can easily catch it from your parents and other influential people, including friends who bring out the worst in you, adults who criticize and judge you, or spouses with issues.

Parents are primary sources of negativity and positivity.  Even if your parents tried to be positive, you will pick up on their deficiencies and catch that negativity.  You may end up with negative beliefs about yourself, such as you aren’t good enough, aren’t important, and aren’t loveable.  These beliefs will play out in your daily life, and you will be at odds with yourself.  Then, like your parents, you will spend most of your time trying to be positive.

You Already Have a Positive Start

If your parents were negative, don’t get stuck there.  Remember, your parents had their reasons.  But, now it’s your turn.  No matter how negative your parents were, they thought you were acceptable, valuable, and loveable enough to see you through – your mom gave birth to you.  Even if that’s all you got, the fact that you are here is a positive start.

The Ultimate Positive Goal 

God gave us free will so we can choose what to believe and how to be.  Like everyone on this planet, you are supposed to be happy, which is mutually supportive with positivity.  Keep the ultimate goal in mind.  Our bodies will die, but our spirits remain alive.  Our existence now is our opportunity to prepare for eternal positivity or eternal negativity, meaning eternal life with God or an eternity of nothingness.  You already have a positive jump by being here.  Now, you can choose your direction and how to be.

Step 3: Identify What You Must Change to be Positive

  3. To recognize what you must change to be more positive, you must be consciously aware of yourself.

Do this by paying attention to yourself.  Pay attention to:

  • How you talk, especially the words you use.
    • Do you use foul language or bad words?
    • Do you use a lot of n’ts, e.g., don’t, won’t, can’t, shouldn’t?
    • Do you use tear down words, e.g., stupid, hate, worst, never?
  • What your first thoughts are upon awakening.
  • Your true thoughts when people tell you good things that happen to them. (Don’t justify this by saying it depends on who it is.)

Assess where, when, and why you are mostly negative.

Step Four: Determine Your Willingness

4. Change is difficult.  Correcting bad habits is more difficult, especially if they’ve prevented you from getting hurt and allowed you to survive cruelty.  They’re like life preservers.  So, why would anyone in his/her right mind give them up?

Negative attitudes and behaviors might keep you afloat, but they don’t allow you to enjoy the cruise.  Think of this change like being in the ocean wearing a life-vest.  If I asked you to remove the life-preserver because a cruise ship will come to pick you up in one minute, how willing would you be to remove the life-vest?  How trusting are you?

How much do You Trust? 

Willingness comes from trust.  Would you trust me, the captain of the ship, and yourself enough to let go of your life-preserver?

Check your willingness to do what you must to achieve the positivity and happiness you want.  On a scale of 0-10, with 0 being unwilling and 10 being absolutely willing to do what you must do to overcome your negativity, rate your willingness.

If you rated it 7 or less, you must check your motivation.  Ask yourself what prevents it from being an 8?

If the answer is fear, you’ll have to figure out why and what scares you about being positive and happy.  Ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen if I change to be a positive person?”

If the answer is that you don’t know, it’s probably a fear of the unknown.  When you’ve lived a certain way for a long time, it becomes predictable, and you feel more secure no matter how miserable it is.  New territory can be scary.  Imagine if Christopher Columbus, Lewis and Clark, the Pilgrims, or your immigrant ancestors felt that way.  You can always turn back if you don’t like being positive.  Think of it this way, if these people had the courage to do what they did, you can certainly explore the way to positivity.

Fear of Change

Sometimes people fear their change will change who they are and they won’t love their spouses, loved ones, or friends anymore.  Changing your attitude and behaviors does not change who you are.  It just makes you better at being you.

It’s so easy to stay in your nature (survival mode) you can easily talk yourself out of wanting to be positive and convince yourself that your negative attributes define who you are.  Many people want to be positive and happy but have practiced negative thoughts and actions so long they’ve become negativity experts.  Negative people must learn how to accept goodness and happiness and learn to be at ease with positivity.  You can supplement your acceptance of goodness, joy, and positivity by reviewing posts on blessedbu.com, reading the Bible, and observing people you view as positive.

Step Five: Commit to Being Positive and Pick a Negative Habit to Change

5. After you’ve committed to being more positive, pick a negative habit you want to change.  Set yourself up for success by choosing a habit that isn’t too serious or difficult.  For example, stopping the use of sarcasm, putting yourself in other people’s shoes to promote empathy, or learning how to apologize will be less demanding than learning how not to worry.

Use your conscious awareness to implement the change.  Let’s say you want to stop using bad language.  Note the word you want to change.  Say, it’s a swear word.  When you talk, be aware and listen to yourself.  Apologize if you slip.  Then, practice using the new word.  You’ll find once you’ve apologized you will remember more easily to use the good word.  This lesson also helps you become more at ease with apologizing.

Another example is changing your use of n’t words.  Instead of saying what you don’t want or don’t know, talk in the affirmative and say what you do want and you do know.  You can even say it as an expression to affirm someone else.  For example if someone says to you, “It’s really cold outside.”  Your reply, “I know!”

If you don’t know how to make the change, get help by researching, observing others, reading posts and tips here at blessedbu.com, or emailing me.  You may consider seeking support from a trusted friend or therapist.  (A way to learn how to ask for help – yay!)

Step Six: Evaluate the Outcome

6. Change is awkward at first.  The more you stick with the change, the better you and others adapt to it.  For change to be successful, you must evaluate the results.  For change to stick, you must persist.

Change is difficult for the person making the change and uncomfortable for those around him/her.  Be determined to stay your course.  Some years ago, when my son was deployed to Iraq, I wrote him several letters.  I ended each one with the confident commandment, “Stay strong, stay steady.”  That simple decree so inspired him that he’s incorporated it into his personal value system.

How Other People React to Change

When you change, even if it’s for good, people may not react well.  While you chose to make a change, you imposed a change on others.  No one likes the imposition of change.  It forces them to do or think differently.  Even though you aren’t forcing people to do anything, your transformation will cause people to view you differently.  Then, they must figure out how to respond.  Your change takes them out of their predictable comfort zone.  People like predictability and may resist your good change.  Stay strong, stay steady despite any resistance or negative feedback.  They will eventually come around.  If they don’t, you’ll be positive enough to overcome their negativity.

Read my next post with more on how to overcome other people’s negativity.

Step Seven: Repeat and Practice

7. Once you experience good outcomes, you will be more accustomed to goodness, happiness, and positivity.  Soon you’ll want more.  This is an excellent place because it motivates you to keep being a better version of yourself and you’ll inspire others to do the same.

It’s important to keep practicing your positivity because the enemy will work hard to take you down.  Maintain your positivity so you have a good reserve to draw from when there is excess stress in your life.

Give yourself credit for changing.  Be proud of yourself for your accomplishments and enjoy feeling good about your positive change.  You’ll find you experience more joy, peace, love, freedom, satisfaction, and contentment.  You’ll be happier!

Overcome Negativity: Part 2 Overcoming Your Negativity

 

 

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#21 The Advantages of Living in Happiness

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Everyone wants to be happy. But, how many people say why they want to be happy? How many people really think about the advantages of living in happiness? There’s a lot more to living in happiness than feeling a sense of elation. For instance, hundreds of people can benefit from one person living in happiness. So, what really happens to us and others when we live in happiness? This post explains the physiological, physical, psychological, and relational advantages of living in happiness.

What it Means to Live in Happiness

Before I continue, I want to remind you what it means to live in happiness. It means experiencing the elements of happiness; to live in peace and love, to have freedom, and to experience joy, satisfaction, and contentment. To live in happiness means you live in, with, and through the spirit of God.

Living in Your Nature is Hard

When you take up residence in your nature, you just go through life surviving as opposed to thriving and living in happiness. To maintain your residence/survival, you must constantly hunt or scavenge. Sadly, the things you pursue are things that make you feel sick so you can have something from which you survive. This sickness comes from the very emotions that allow you to survive – fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt.

Residents of the natural need these emotions to stay alive and develop a need to feel them so they can feel alive. Their cycle parallels the Israelites’ forty-year ramble in the wilderness. Life becomes an exhausting journey of dissatisfaction, murmuring, and unrest summarized as, “No rest for the wicked.” Living in your nature is hard.

You Can Reside in Happiness no Matter What

Living in happiness is like being in a particular state. For me, it’s like living in the state of Michigan (for you it’s wherever you live). Once I’m here, no matter what happens – tornados, floods, statewide shutdowns, etc. – I am still in Michigan. To get myself out, I have to drive, walk, or sail, over the state line.

While in Michigan, I can freely choose to go to different places within the state. If I go to a particular area of Michigan and really enjoy it, it’s easy to feel good about the entire state. If I go to a city I don’t enjoy, I’m still breathing air in Michigan, using Michigan roads, and eating and drinking in Michigan, which I do enjoy. Therefore, I am satisfied and content despite my lack of joy in that city. Similarly, if we lack a certain element of happiness, we still have the other elements so we’re still in happiness. Therefore, we can live in happiness no matter what.

It’s Easy to Live in Happiness

The elements of happiness are interdependent. So, it’s easy to live in happiness because you don’t have to go very far to get from one element to the next. And, since each element of happiness contains pieces of the others, having just one element quickly brings about all the others. For example, I might not feel joyful because of my current situation. But, if I hold my peace, I will soon feel satisfied and content, and be free of stress. I will be happier.

Our Emotions are Well Trained When We Live in Happiness

When you live in your nature, you feel, then you react. When you live in happiness, you do something, then feel. This allows you to manage your situation and feel better about it. Take the “current situation” example above. I had to do something in order to hold my peace. First, I had to think about what I needed to do to hold my peace. Then, do it. I could have held my tongue, found a quiet place to pray or meditate, did deep breathing, did a fun activity, repeated a calming phrase to myself, or went for a walk.

Unlike living in your nature where your emotions are quick to take the lead, when you live in happiness, your emotions are well trained. Your thoughts lead your emotions and God leads your thoughts. This prudent chain of command results in better decisions and the ability for you to handle unfavorable situations in a favorable way. It’s especially useful for handling disappointment which happens when we don’t get what we want.

Living in your nature might get you what you want so you don’t have to experience disappointment. But, living in happiness gives you the freedom to want whatever you want and be satisfied with what you get.

Our Nature Opposes Our Happiness

Our nature opposes our happiness. Therefore, the effects of living in happiness are the opposite of living in your nature. Post #20 explains the disadvantages of living in the natural. When we live there, we suffer. When we live in happiness, we continue to get happier.

Physiological Advantages of Living in Happiness

Research shows that living in happiness causes chemical reactions in our brain that directly affect our physical health, psychological health, and relationships.

Our natural emotions come from the area of our brain that also regulates our vital organs. Therefore, our bodies react to our natural emotions and our natural emotions react to our bodies. When we are afraid, our heart rate increases, breathing is rapid, and digestion slows down. If we had tachycardia, shortness of breath, or IBS, we would feel afraid (anxious).

Higher levels of happiness affect our bodies similar to the way fear does. When we are elated, our hearts race and pound, we may feel light-headed, and we can’t sleep. Our bodies’ responses are similar, but the causes are better, so the outcomes are better.

Our survival emotions produce stress hormones that tense our bodies to fight or run. Extreme happiness produces hormones and neurotransmitters (chemicals that cause brain cells to connect) that contribute to relaxed healthier bodies.

More Stress = Less Happiness = More Stress Hormones = Less Good Health

The hormone that prepares our bodies to fight or flight is Cortisol. This stress hormone is released when we sense danger or feel threatened. Cortisol is supposed to be used as needed, not long term. But, when we live in survival mode, we constantly produce Cortisol and that results in adverse conditions such as impaired cognitive performance, suppressed thyroid function, decreased bone density, muscle weakness and fatigue, high blood pressure, lower immunity, and increased abdominal fat.

Advantages of Dopamine

When we experience pleasure, anticipate something good, or are extremely happy, Dopamine is released. Dopamine functions as a hormone and a neurotransmitter. Simply put, Dopamine lights up the joy center of our brain. Like many things, Dopamine is good in moderation. Too much or too little can have negative consequences. People who live in happiness maintain a well-balanced Dopamine level. This gives them healthier brains and bodies.

Dopamine contributes to learning, motivation, and attention. The prefrontal cortex area of the brain is where thinking and memory take place. When there is an adequate level of Dopamine in that area during an event, we are motivated to be interested and remember it better. Dopamine also helps us focus and stay on task.

Good levels of Dopamine contribute to the good health of our vital functions including heart rate, blood vessel function, and kidney function. It’s also involved in regulating sleep and mood.

Suffice it to say, happy people have good levels of Dopamine. Therefore, they have better moods, are better rested, and have the potential to be more focused and motived which leads to greater success. They have better overall health, which leads to longer more productive lives.

This next section explains additional advantages of living in happiness. Specifically, how the elements of happiness affect the physical, psychological, and relational aspects of our lives.

The Elements That Make Up Happiness

The fullness of our lives is made up of happiness and our happiness is made up of the elements joy, peace, love, freedom, satisfaction, and contentment. To appreciate the benefits of these elements, it’s important to understand their meaning. I used Noah Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language, compact ed., (Working Lion Press), to define the elements because of the purity of its originality.

Joy

Joy: The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; the gratification of desire or some good possessed, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire. Synonyms are blessedness, satisfaction, and contentedness.

Peace

Peace: A state of quiet or tranquility; freedom from disturbance or agitation (fear, terror, anger, anxiety).

Love

Love: An affection of the mind excited by beauty and worth of any kind, or by the qualities of an object which communicate pleasure (or gratification).

To further understand love, the Bible gives a thorough description of what our behaviors ought to be when we love. In summary, love is patient, serene, kind, thoughtful, not jealous or envious, does not brag, is not proud or arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not overly sensitive or easily angered, does not hold grudges, does not take pleasure in injustice, and rejoices in the truth. When we truly love, we love without conditions, choose to believe the best in others, remain steadfast during difficult times, and endure things without weakening. Love never ends.

Freedom

Freedom: A state of exemption from the power or control of another.

Satisfaction

Satisfaction: That state of mind which results from the full gratification of desire; repose (to rest in confidence) of mind or contentment with present possessions and enjoyment. Synonyms are contentedness, joy, and gratification.

Contentment

Contentment: Rest or quietness of the mind in the present condition; satisfaction which holds the mind in peace, restraining complaint, opposition, or further desire, and often implying a moderate degree of happiness. Synonyms are satisfied, gratified, and overjoyed.

No Excuse For Not Living in Happiness

There is no excuse for not living in happiness. God made the elements of happiness available to us as evidenced in Scripture: We are promised joy; Jesus gave us his peace; God gave us love through His son; God gives us satisfaction in His goodness; we have freedom through our acceptance of God; we have contentment in knowing God will never leave us.

Advantages of Living in Happiness

The elements of happiness are always available to use. They are what we need to be happy and they make us healthy. But, it is our choice if we want them. And, in order to have them, we must do something – we must follow Jesus.

Here are are the physical, psychological, and relational advantages of living in happiness.

Physical Benefits

Research shows that people who are happy live healthier longer lives. Besides the benefit of good Dopamine levels, happy people are reported to have:

  • Lower blood pressure
  • Less risk of cardiovascular disease
  • Lower incidence of coronary artery disease
  • Lower risk of stroke
  • Higher functioning immune systems resulting in fewer illnesses
  • Lower risk of injury
  • Fewer pain symptoms
  • Better eating habits
  • More exercise and activity
  • Decreased inflammation
  • Faster healing and recovery
  • Better digestion
  • Improved sleep
  • Slower signs of aging

It’s also worth noting the benefits of laughter that especially come from joy. Research shows that a good chuckle increases Dopamine. This is a similar reaction to what alcohol and drugs do. Laughter resolves tension and releases inhibitions.

In addition, laughter helps decrease blood glucose levels, increases pain tolerance, increases the activity of several critical antibodies and natural killer cells, which are essential in anti-tumor defense, and contributes to a healthier heart.

Psychological Benefits

When we experience joy, peace, love, and freedom, our brains experience the same. This results in:

  • Our thoughts are more open to creativity and inventiveness
  • Better problem solving
  • A better understanding of forgiveness
  • More thoughtful decision making and fewer regrets
  • Less loneliness
  • Being more mindful which makes us more self-aware. Leads to:
    • A better sense of reality. This allows us to be more accepting.
    • Better awareness of our physical and emotional pain (When we are aware of our pain, we can focus on it instead of who caused it or how to get rid of it. Meditation experts teach that focusing on the pain itself alleviates it.)
  • A positive frame of mind that leads to:
    • A better outlook for the future – more optimism
  • Satisfaction and contentment
  • The ability to gain more knowledge and wisdom

When we are peaceful, we quiet our minds. This allows us to think more clearly, see the truth, and opens us up to faith and gratitude. It allows us to hear God’s voice.

Relational Benefits

Life is relational. We cannot exist without some kind of relationship. We have a relationship with ourselves, with God, and with other people. Our happiness affects our relationships and our relationships affect our happiness. The common denominator in both of these situations is us. Therefore, we are responsible for what we present to others and how we receive what other people give us. We can never predict how people will respond to us. Even if we are happy and treat others accordingly, there is no guarantee they will respond in kind. A quiet mind, joyful heart, and loving spirit will overcome whatever response we get from others. This prevents feuds, hostility, and regrets.

Better relationships with Ourselves and Others

When we live in happiness, we will be better to ourselves. We’ll have better self-esteem and love for ourselves. Since we can only give what we have, those who live in happiness have many good things to give to others.

Joy is the one element we can see. Smiles, laughter, whistling, singing, humming, and cheerful voices are obvious indicators of joy. When we see someone who is joyful or happy, we feel safe because the person isn’t threatening. We will want to be with that person.

While we cannot see peace, love, freedom, satisfaction, and contentment, we can sense it. People who have these elements behave in ways that relay confidence, trust, and faith and other people sense that. People who live in happiness are inspirational and role models to those who are struggling in the natural.

Most people want someone to depend on, especially when they are in a vulnerable position. These folks rely on the people who live in happiness for comfort, strength, and courage.

Better Relationship with God

We can only be happy by following God. He wants us to follow Him and lead others to Him. People who live in happiness are the stewards who do just that. God gives us what He has and we give others what we have.

Living in Happiness Give us a Better Life

When we live in happiness, we have better relationships in our families, at work, with friends, at school, and in our communities because we know where our happiness comes from and how to secure it. We are not afraid to pursue it and are always grateful to have it. When we live in happiness, we relate to the grace and mercy of God. We receive His gifts with constant gratitude. And, we share His love with the hope of being good and faithful servants.

Advantages of Living in Happiness:   

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#12 Miseralites: Happy Being Miserable

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Happy being miserable… what an oxymoron! It seems impossible, but many people have mastered this contradiction of life. Do you know anyone like this? You know who I’m talking about — people who bemoan life and begrudge others more than they delight in life and bless others. I call them Miseralites (‘miz-er-e-lites) because they are misers when it comes to happiness. Miseralites: happy being miserable.

Who Are the Miseralites?

Miseralites deny they are killjoys and don’t realize the kind of genuine happiness they are missing. These folks are the fake happy people. They’ve convinced themselves the components of happiness are the same as the components of misery. They confuse contentment with complacency; joy with exhilaration; peace with avoidance; satisfaction with getting their own way; and freedom with the absence of self-control. Some examples of Miseralites include: people who complain about being overweight, but claim they can’t eat just one cookie; those who want compensation for how their ancestors were treated; folks who’ve been so hurt by irresponsible parents that they continue to be irresponsible adults; people who want what others have, but aren’t willing to do or make the sacrifices necessary to get it.

Miseralites Are The Natural Man

Miseralites are stuck in survival mode, which Scripture refers to as “natural man.” The natural is how we are born and it’s how we are when we wake up every morning. Therefore, it’s easy to live in survival mode because we’re naturally there. It is a secure place for anyone gripped by fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt – the emotional instincts that preserve our existence.

While Miseralties know happiness exists, their adherence to fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt make it more difficult for them to find and grasp onto joy, peace, love, satisfaction, freedom, and contentment (the components of happiness). It’s easier and safer for them to preserve their existence than venture out of it.

Miseralites Preserve Their Existence By Being Victims

To preserve existence means one has survived and to survive one must have a situation from which he survived. Therefore, one must be a victim. To stay in survival mode, one must continuously be a victim. Miseralites are constant victims. Even if they have no reason to be a victim, they will make themselves into victims by finding fault with others, blaming others, or by holding on to situations when they were actual victims.

Miseralites are not bad people. Like all of us, they’ve had bad things happen to them, but for whatever reasons haven’t been able to heal and overcome. This left them stuck having more fear than faith, more anger than acceptance, more contempt than respect, more shame than encouragement, and more guilt than honor. You don’t have to have all of these to become a Miseralite. An excess of any one of these survival emotions can result in enough misery for you to be a Miseralite.

Common Traits of Miseralites

To help you get a better understanding of Miseralites and perhaps determine your own status, here are 10 common traits of Miseralites. Know that all of them can be corrected.

•  Are more interested in themselves than others. Miseralites are front and center in their lives and expect others to help them maintain that position of importance. They shy away from good attention that honors them, such as birthday parties, etc.. They prefer attention that feeds their misery. Their self-interest keeps them at the center of their world, making them feel like the bullseye of a target, so they take things personally and are easily offended.

Miseralites’ self-interests make them less interested in people around them, so they lack empathy. They’re interested in others when the interests of others also interests them. Then, they will give that person more time and attention.

Their self-interest also prevents them from stepping out of their comfort zone and limits their willingness to try new things. This cheats them out of getting involved in challenges and opportunities that would help them gain confidence and build trust. Thus, perpetuating their fear and weakening their faith.

•  Complain, but don’t do anything to improve things or wait for someone else to do something. This maintains the status quo, which equals complacency and perpetuates dissatisfaction. Doing nothing eliminates the risk of failing or being criticized when trying to do something, so they never learn how to manage failure or enjoy success.

•  Are quick to judge and criticize others. Miseralites are “arm chair quarterbacks.” Their lack of empathy and unwillingness to get involved leave them with only their imaginations to figure out how things should be done. Since their imaginations are based on their own interests and what they deem as right, they are quick to judge and criticize. This ease of fault finding authorizes them to be victims and makes having relationships with them challenging, since they believe relationships are comprised of fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt.

•  Use their own beliefs as the frame of reference from which they measure and judge others. They are the standard to which they expect everyone else to live up to. They will say things like, “I would never do anything like that. Why would he?” Miseralites have contempt for, get angry with, and put shame on people who don’t measure up.

•  Think in terms of right and wrong. They view other people’s opinions and behaviors as being right or wrong instead of being different. Miseralites feel attacked for being wrong when someone disagrees with them. They counterattack with indignation and anger.

•  Want what others have, but aren’t willing to do what it takes to accomplish it. Miseralites are too afraid of failure and rejection to go after what they want. Sometimes they are afraid of success because they equate success with perfection. They think if they succeed at one thing, they will be expected to be perfect in all aspects of their lives; a task too overwhelming to handle.

•  Express their opinions as though they are facts. Because they view the world through a filter of their own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, Miseralites focus on what they like and dislike and apply it to the world. Therefore, they are strongly opinionated.

•  Find excuses why they can’t…. For every good suggestion you give a Miseralite that would make his life happier, he will give you 5 reasons why it won’t.

•  Communicate via sarcasm. Sarcasm is flexible derision. For example, if you give someone a verbal jab and the person tells you he is insulted, you can bend your surly comment into joke. You can tell him you were joking, but he won’t think it is amusing. Sarcasm has an undercurrent of contempt and disrespect.

•  View life in terms of fairness and are quick to voice what they think is unfair. Life is unfair, period. We complain about unfairness when we aren’t getting what we want or think we should have.

Miseralites want fairness, but they discriminate. They want fairness, but only regarding good things. To be really fair, if we measure what we don’t have against what people do have, we must measure both the good and the bad. Wouldn’t it be fairer if we also had other people’s pain? For example, like that of my best friend and her husband who’ve lost both of their children.

Fairness equals sameness. For life to be fair we would have the same illnesses, the same level of intellect, the same talents and skills, and the same stuff. We wouldn’t need specialists and there would be no competitive sports, no market competition, and no talent shows. There would be no diversity, no challenges, and no striving for excellence. This is not God’s intent.

Our Past, Our Choice

There is no law, rule, or adage that says our lives are supposed to be easy and pain free. That’s what pharmaceutical companies, quick fix enterprises, and overindulging parents what you to believe. We all have aftereffects from our pasts. Maybe we didn’t have any control over what happened to us, but we do have control over how we live with it. God gave us the choice to live the way we want and the ability to live the way He wants and He wants us to live abundantly happy.

We can continue to keep our past alive and make it our identity, thereby perpetuating our victimization; we can carry the burdens of our past like heavy rocks on our backs perpetuating pain and suffering; or we can move beyond our past with forgiveness through God’s love, grace, and mercy using it as a means to help others.  It’s our choice.

Grief Stricken vs. Miseralite

Challenges can make us stronger, wiser, confident, and more faithful or they can make us weaker, imprudent, fearful, and suspicious. We determine the direction they lead us. We all have times when we feel distressed or depressed and are temporary Miseralites. So, we’ll have a pity party, get the support we need, and get ourselves back on track. Do not confuse Miseralites with people who are bereft. Those are situations of loss and grief from which people can heal, recover, and regain happiness. Miseralites struggle with knowing and accepting happiness.

Evaluate Miseralite Status

You may be a Miseralite or may live with one.  Evaluate your own Miseralite status here. If you have symptoms of being a Miseralite…

  • 50% of the time, you are a wishy washy. Commit to one side. At least you will have made a choice.
  • Less than 50% of the time, stay tuned to learn how to be even happier.
  • Greater than 50% of the time, you have the choice to stay or leave. There is no need to go any further if you choose to stay, but at least keep this prayer with you, “Dear Lord, I am stuck in the natural. Open my heart, mind, and soul to at least know and accept the spiritual as a way of life so I can live better for others, myself, and you. Thanks!”

For anyone who chooses to leave Miseralite status, stay tuned to learn how to correct your Miseralite traits and enjoy living happy.  For anyone who lives with a Miseralite, stay tuned to learn how to live happier with someone who is happy being miserable.

Miseralites: Happy Being Miserable:  

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#8 11 Characteristics of Happy People

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Before we move on to understand why we developed certain core beliefs, how our core beliefs affect our lives, and the challenges of changing our core beliefs, we must have a destination in mind. Let’s look at 11 Characteristics of Happy People for you to target as goals.

This post describes the behaviors and attitudes of happy people.

Happy people…

1. Are more responsive than reactive
We are reactive when we behave based on emotions. Because our emotions are illogical, irrational, and quick to change, they are unreliable. Imagine first responders going to the scene of an accident and behaving according to their emotions. God put our thinking brain in front of our heads – maybe His way of telling us to think first.

Happy people use their thinking brain first to think through situations and let their emotions follow as additional input, giving them the advantage of using both mind and heart so they can make better decisions and behave more appropriately.

2. Expect and prepare
Happy people expect the best and know for that to happen they must prepare. Good preparation requires hard work and sacrifice. If you’ve ever performed or taken exams, you know what it is like if you didn’t prepare. You simply hope for the best. Even if the outcome is good, you feel more lucky than satisfied. Benjamin Franklin said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

Happy people, like people who constantly live in fear, anger, shame, and guilt (aka non-happy people), desire pleasure, but unlike non-happy people, they plan and prepare for it instead of impulsively seeking it. Pleasure for happy people is an addition to the joy they already have. Pleasure for non-happy people is momentary relief from their misery.

3. Live with gratitude   
How important is gratitude? Jesus thinks it is very important as demonstrated in Luke 17:11. While on his final journey to Jerusalem, Jesus met ten men who had leprosy. From a distance, they called out, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” Jesus told them to go and show themselves to the priests as proof they were healed. They left and when one of the men saw he was healed, he turned back and praising God, he threw himself down at Jesus’ feet and thanked him. Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?”

Gratitude shows more than appreciation. It shows reverence. We typically say, “thank you” when someone does something kind for us. Happy people don’t wait for someone to be kind to them. They find things to be grateful for. They revere God and are constantly grateful for all that He has and continues to give them.

When we find things to be grateful for, we focus on good more than bad, complain less, learn to welcome and accept all good things, and open ourselves up to receive more. The more we have the less we feel the deficits when bad things happen.

4. Practice discipline
Happy people respect and obey man’s laws, but honor and live God’s laws. They view discipline, not as punitive and restrictive, but as a means to wisdom. They routinely practice physical and emotional self-control. We have the ability to eat just one chip and happy people use this ability. They don’t lie by saying, “I can’t eat just one cookie…,” and don’t use excuses as permits to do or have what they want; such as, “I shouldn’t have dessert, but I worked hard today.”

Happy people are willing to do what is right and just despite how they feel at the time. This can be challenging since our emotions are so strong, but it leaves us with fewer regrets and freedom from shame and guilt.

5. Are well defined
Happy people do not have open borders. They secure their boundaries with honesty, trust, responsibility, respect, and empathy. And, they regard other people’s boundaries in the same way. This makes more aware of their own needs and puts them in a better position to discern the needs of others. So, they don’t allow other people into their business and don’t take care of other people’s problems without getting clarification first. They aren’t afraid to ask for help when they need it and are generous in helping others.

Happy people learn from their histories and do not let their past define who they are. They determine who they are by what they value, not what they do.

Happy people are true to themselves and others. They don’t need to pretend or impress other people to be accepted. They want people to like them, but give people the opportunity to make that decision themselves.

6. Are realistic
Happy people know we don’t always get what we want and how to manage disappointment. Even though they don’t like disappointment, they have the grace to manage it. Knowing reality and truth go hand in hand, they know there is always another side to a story and consider this in order to make sound judgments. They use their imaginations more for productive creativity instead of suspicion and assumption, especially in regard to relationships.

Happy people know “always” “never,” and “everyone” are extreme and difficult to prove, so should be used judiciously or with an adverb or qualifier to make explanations accurate and truthful. Example: “If you say, everyone [at work, at school] plays on the computer,” that can easily be disputed and difficult to prove. Therefore, it isn’t true nor real. It just makes you feel okay about doing what you know you shouldn’t.

7. Understand the real reason for shame and guilt
Happy people realize shame and guilt are used for protection of self and society by preventing people from acting in pure self-interest and giving people a conscience to do what is right and just. Shame and guilt are not tools to get other people to do what you want or mechanisms to punish; that’s manipulation. While guilt can motivate us to do the right thing, shame is more destructive.

Happy people know we need shame and guilt, but only as a check to keep us in right standing with God and others.

8. Are compassionate and empathic
Happy people have learned to be comfortable with other people’s discomfort. This allows them to be more supportive and helpful rather than feeling like they need to hurry up and fix someone else’s problem. Happy people listen to other people and what they need. Then, provide those needs instead of giving others what they think is best or telling others, “You need…”

Compassion is an awareness of someone’s pain and suffering that moves us towards the desire to help. Empathy is the capacity to understand or relate to another person’s thoughts, feelings, and condition as he experiences it.

Compassion and empathy bring us closer to each other. Happy people value others and relationships. Therefore, are compassionate and empathic towards people they know and don’t know.

9. Love others as they love themselves
Happy people know we can only give what we have. If we love ourselves, we have love to give others. They also understand God is love and for us to truly love one another, we must know God’s love first. Many people haven’t given much thought to what love really is.

When I work with couples, they often define love in vague terms and think of it more as something that is magical. Many times they don’t even remember the promises of love they made to each other when they got married. Many of us should learn what love is. If you want the best definition of love, read I Corinthians 13.

Love is not all sweetness and light. We correct and punish children because we love them. God sacrificed His son, who suffered for us because He loves us. This shows us love can be painful and requires faith and trust to truly be fulfilled.

10. Fear less
We all feel afraid. It’s a natural instinct to survive, but over using fear does not make us survive better. It makes us need to survive more by provoking our other survival instincts – anger contempt, shame, and guilt. We cannot live happy lives if we have an overabundance of these.

Fear denies us trust, faith, and confidence and weakens love. Happy people stay the course. They are not afraid to live by God’s laws.

Happy people feel afraid, but don’t let fear dictate their lives. They maintain their trust and faith in God, in themselves, and with others by relying on God for strength and discernment. Happy people know they are smarter than their emotions and trust they will know when they should be genuinely afraid. Their view of others is more righteous as they see more good in others than bad. Happy people believe the best more than they fear the worst.

Happy people fear less and trust more. Note: I will discuss more about fear in a future post.

11. Choose to believe the best
Our subconscious mind keeps records of injury and harm and our natural instincts for survival include the emotions of fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt. Therefore, we have a lot of negative information that is easily accessible and negative emotions that are easily stimulated. This is the way we survive. It’s like having an army of oppressors ready and waiting. If we are led by this battalion, we will view others and the world more as foe rather than friend.

When we choose to believe the best, we trust God, ourselves, and other people, allowing us to be happier and have happier relationships.

Happy people choose to believe the best. They do this by stopping and thinking first. Before they feel disappointed, afraid, or angry at someone, they will think, “He must have had a good reason.” This makes the whole situation better.

Choosing to believe the best prompts us to love more, trust more, and be happy more!

Conclusion

We have the ability to practice all of these characteristics. God gave us a spiritual nature by giving us a thinking brain so we can live beyond our basic nature that include our natural feelings of fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt.  We have the choice and the ability to live happy.

Essentials

Read the Essentials page for immediate tips to be happier and stay tuned for additional tips!

11 Characteristics of Happy People:  

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#6 Our Core: Beliefs About Ourselves and Others Direct Our Happiness

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Our core is made up of the beliefs we have about ourselves and others and these beliefs direct our happiness. Some of our beliefs formed before we had knowledge and understanding. They are the feelings and thoughts we got from how our parents and caregivers talked to us, what they said to us, and how they treated us. These folks were often unaware they were shaping our beliefs and we were unaware our beliefs were developing. But, once we begin to develop intellect, understanding, and knowledge we create our own beliefs based on how we interpret information from others and how we reason information we’ve acquired on our own. It is then we develop subconscious and conscious beliefs.

Emotional Power

When we are conceived, our soul energizes to life. We are little energy sources that emit and elicit love and joy. With that same unawareness, we can also frustrate, anger, and exhaust people. Think about the way infants unconsciously generate unconditional love in others, yet cause stress and exhaustion.

We never outgrow the subconscious abilities to generate love, hate, anger, and joy. And, after our conscious mind develops, our abilities double. We can then subconsciously and consciously generate certain emotions and behaviors in others. In other words, we can unintentionally or intentionally make someone mad, sad, guilty, ashamed, or glad. We are very powerful.

Intentional Feelings

Most of us have intentionally caused someone to have bad feelings. It’s not something we want to admit, but many of us have fallen, like the infamous “fallen angel,” into the pit of vengeance, retaliation, and pride, where we consciously tried to make other people feel guilty, ashamed, sad, afraid, or angry. We do this when we are feeling worse than the person we are trying to make unhappy. If the intended victim knows how to be truly happy, he will be immune to your attack and you will be left alone in your own misery. Should you succeed, you both will feel bad, but in the end, you will feel worse.

In contrast, many of us have intentionally tried to make other people happy. Celebrating birthdays, giving a cheery hello, complimenting someone, and doing a good deed for someone are just a few examples. We do this when we feel happier than the other person or when we need the other person to be happy so we can feel better. Much to our dismay, our efforts to make other people happy result in short term pleasure or are futile. In truth, we cannot make someone be something he isn’t. So, unless we know how to be truly happy, the person’s failure to maintain happiness will make us feel like a failure. We will feel as bad as our victim.

Bad Feelings Are Contagious

We connect with each other through emotions, so we are wired to pick up other people’s emotions. Bad feelings are contagious. Like an infectious disease, we can infect other people with our bad feelings or become infected by others. When we feel angry, afraid, guilty, or ashamed we behave badly, which have direct effects on others. When other people have bad feelings, we pick up their “bad vibes” or are direct targets of their bad behaviors. Then, our alert system (natural instincts) warns us of aggression and hostility, so we go into protect mode, feeling our survival emotions of fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt.

Conversely, good health is not contagious. We cannot infect someone with our good health. To maintain good health, we must be consciously aware and make conscious efforts. Like good health, good feelings happen through conscious thoughts, discipline, and self-determination.

Conscious Thoughts

Our conscious thoughts come from our conscious mind or thinking brain. This is the executive functioning part of our mind. It controls impulses, problem solves, organizes our thoughts, and assesses potential outcomes. Located in the front part of our heads, I believe God put it there as a way to tell us to think first. When we think first and let our feelings follow, we have good conscious awareness that allows us to make sounder decisions and have fewer regrets.

When We Lack Conscious Awareness

A lack of conscious awareness causes us to lack honesty, empathy, accountability, respect, trust, and discipline and instead rely on our natural emotions of fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt. This results in us having emotionally based attitudes and behaviors that result in negative beliefs. Some of these attitudes and behaviors include: the need to be right, being a control freak, keeping score with others, and the desire to seek justice by getting back at people.

Also included are people who are perfectionists, anxious, insecure, and can’t handle being told, “No.” All of these lead to frustration, distress, and exhaustion for everyone involved. So, why do we do these things, when all we want is to be happy?

While our genetics predispose us to certain tendencies, mostly, we do these things because of what we feel and think. Despite the fact that perfectionists and control freaks know they cause stress and frustration, they continue their behaviors; not because they want to be unhappy or make other people unhappy. It’s because they’re trying to force happiness instead of pursue it.

When I ask clients why they need to be perfect, their typical response is, “I don’t know. I just do.” or “I feel like I have to.” They fortify their feelings with thoughts such as, “I’m not good enough unless I’m perfect.”

Knowledge, Emotions, and Beliefs

We all have knowledge, emotions, and beliefs. They differ, but are interdependent and necessary for us to live well, connect with others, and be happy. When we are young children, we have more emotions than beliefs and more beliefs than knowledge. As grow, we develop more thoughts, acquire more knowledge, and fortify our beliefs.

Knowledge is acquired externally. It is understanding and awareness; familiarity gained by experience of a situation, and is factual. Knowledge is information we gather, process, and store in our conscious and subconscious minds.

Emotions, as defined by the English Oxford Dictionary (online), are strong feelings derived from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others; are instinctive or intuitive feelings as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge. Emotions are inherent.

Beliefs are a combination of thoughts and emotions we create, integrate, and store in our subconscious mind, and refer to with our conscious mind. They are something we accept as true or real despite having no proof; they are visceral.

We create beliefs internally. Since we start out having more beliefs than knowledge, our beliefs make up our core – who and what we are and that becomes our guidance system to happiness.

Our First Beliefs:  We Are Good or Bad

Since young children have more emotions than knowledge, they base their beliefs more on how they feel than what they know. The basic inherent knowledge we all have as children is good, bad, happy, and sad. We just know these exist. Therefore, if a child feels happy and good, he will believe he is good. If he feels sad and bad, he will believe he is bad.

Parents and adults provide children with information and teach them life lessons that add to their knowledge and shape their beliefs. Children have a natural desire to learn. So, even if parents don’t teach their children directly, the kids will pick up information through hearing parents talk and by watching their behaviors.

Children believe they are good or bad from how the parents present information to them and to each other. If parents give good information, the children will feel good and believe they are good. This information can be praise, demonstrations of love and affection, meeting children’s and spouses emotional needs, or speaking in words the children understand. When parents give their children bad information, the children will feel bad and believe they are bad. This kind of information can come from parents being overly critical, harsh yelling, name calling, ignoring children’s emotional and physical needs, abuse, neglect, or domestic violence.

If parents give children information they don’t understand, children will create beliefs about themselves based on the feelings and knowledge they have at the time. For example, if a parent uses a word his young child doesn’t understand, the child will interpret it to mean something good or bad based on how the parent’s tone, facial expression, and body language makes him feel.

Along with our inherent emotions and basic knowledge, we have inherent needs. We need value, acceptance, and love. Childhood beliefs of being good or bad extend into these inherent needs to create beliefs of being valuable, acceptable, and loveable.

Beliefs of Being Valuable, Acceptable, and Loveable

Children attach their beliefs of good and bad to their need to be valuable, acceptable, and loveable. If children believe they are good, they will be more inclined to believe they are valuable, acceptable, and loveable. If children believe they are bad, they will believe they are not valuable or don’t matter, are not acceptable or not good enough, and not loveable or unlovable.

As children develop higher levels of intellect, they continue to develop beliefs about themselves based on the information they get not only from parents, but from other adults and their peers. If they already have bad beliefs about themselves, it is easy for them to add more bad information to their existing beliefs. This can lead to issues with self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

Parents can easily make their children believe they aren’t important, aren’t good enough, and aren’t worthy of love if they have these same beliefs about themselves.

How We Develop Beliefs About Other People, Society, and God

While parents are responsible for helping children develop beliefs about themselves, they teach children beliefs about other people, the government, and God. They do this overtly by the way they talk and behave in front of their children and covertly when they talk so children can over hear conversations.

Children have a natural desire to learn, so they are impressionable and susceptible to the information their parents give them. Parents who practice good values, such as honesty, empathy, accountability, respect, and trust teach their children how to value, accept, and love others. When parents get involved in community service and show their children how to be charitable, merciful, and kind, their children believe people are good and kind. Parents who are insecure and teach their children superstitions, make their children fearful and insecure impressing the children to be suspicious of others. Parents who have no belief in God, make children believe they are superior beings.

Husbands who disrespect and dishonor their wives through infidelity teach children this kind of behavior is acceptable. It is common that boys of cheating fathers grow to be cheaters. Husbands who abuse their wives teach children violence is a way to settle disputes.

We do not have to keep the beliefs our parents gave us. As we mature into independent thinkers, we can assess these beliefs and challenge them with our intellect and knowledge. We can then change, keep, or modify them. The caveat is that parents often want us to conform to their beliefs. So, when we change the beliefs our parents handed down to us, our parents get upset. This sense of fear can prevent us from making positive changes.

Our Core

The beliefs we originally develop are housed in our subconscious mind where they are so natural to us that we aren’t consciously aware of their significance. They are a part of us that become our core beliefs.

Our core beliefs determine our behaviors that direct our happiness. For example, boys who become cheaters like their fathers destroy the happiness in their families. It’s important that we have a conscious awareness of our core beliefs and assess how they affect our happiness.

Look closer at your core by reflecting on these questions:

  • What beliefs did you get from your parents and other people? How do they affect your behaviors and attitude?
  • Do you believe you are valuable, good enough, and loveable? If not, why is that?
  • How easily do you catch other people’s negative emotions?
  • Do you tend to fall into the pit of vengeance, retaliation, and pride too often?
  • How do your beliefs affect other people?
  • What beliefs do you have that interfere with your happiness?
  • What beliefs do you have that encourage happiness?

Stay tuned to learn more about core beliefs and how to change the ones that interfere with your happiness. Use the Essentials to help you along.

Our Core: Beliefs About Ourselves and Others Direct Our Happiness:  

#3 Our Spirit, Our Happiness

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God is spirit, meaning He is not a mortal material being. Even though we are mortal material beings, no one can deny that each of us has a spirit within us. 1 Corinthians 6:19 confirms this “… your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is within you.” Science agrees. Using quantum physics, math, and biology, researchers confirm a spirit exists in us. This spirit is our soul. It’s the spark of life that originates when we originate. The spiritual aspect of our being includes our natural instincts and the material aspect of our being includes the ability for us to have knowledge, especially knowledge of God. For us to be truly happy, we must have instincts and knowledge in our spirit.

Development of Our Primary Brain

Less than one month after conception, babies’ brains begin to develop. We cannot think or reason at this stage, but we quickly develop instincts. Like any living creature, once we exist, we don’t want to cease to exist, so we develop survival instincts. It is here in our primary brain that we have these instincts.

Our primary brain is responsible for controlling our life sustaining functions, such as breathing, heartrate, and digestion, it stores information (memory), and is part of the mechanism for alertness, arousal, and wakefulness (essentials in identifying threats). We are alerted to threats even in utero and react in ways that allow us to survive. This is demonstrated by 4D ultrasound images of fetuses whose mothers smoked. When the mothers inhaled the smoke, the fetuses clearly responded by making facial expressions and touching their faces with their hands – perhaps an instinctual move to shield themselves.

The Conscious and Subconscious Mind

Our primary brain is the life giving and life keeping part of the brain. It is the basis of our existence, where our spark of life (our soul) resides. It is not the area of the brain where we have conscious thought. That part of the brain is built over the primary brain and develops after we are born. The conscious part of our brain is where we think and reason, form thoughts, opinions, ideas, views, and values, and solve problems. When we are conscious, we are awake, alert, and aware. Our primary brain, being the base of our entire brain and beneath our consciousness, is called the subconscious mind.

While we have natural instincts to survive that come from our subconscious mind, we also have inherent knowledge that develops when we are able to think. Philosophers argue for and against the idea of inherent knowledge, but research done by a group in Switzerland supports we possess natural knowledge and confirms what we can deduce from Scripture; that God is complete knowledge. And since God’s spirit is within us, we have knowledge in us.

Instincts and Knowledge

Our inherent knowledge includes the fact that we know the existence of good and bad, the existence of happiness, and the need for cooperation. It also includes abilities we have, like the ability to be patient, to be accepting, to love, to practice self-control, to be compassionate, to be kind, to be responsible, to forgive, to trust, to do good, and to learn. This knowledge that leads us to happiness.

We must have both instinct and knowledge to live well and be happy. I equate our spirit of life with our subconscious mind, but our entire spirit must come from both our subconscious and conscious minds. If we had only instincts, we would be like the animals. We would live in a state of alertness and arousal. The emotions related to our survival instincts are fear, anger, and contempt. Living with only these emotions does not promote happiness. Conversely, “knowledge [alone] makes [people self-righteously] arrogant.” (1 Corinthians 8:1)

To be happy, we must rely on and attend to our spirit. We must synchronize and integrate our instincts with our knowledge. More on how to do this in upcoming posts.

We need instincts and knowledge to be happy:  

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#2 God is…

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White starburst spirit of God radiating from dark blue spaceIn my “If You’re Happy and You Know It” post, I explained that knowing genuine happiness is to know God. Now comes the question, God is…? Before I give the specifics on God, let’s first take a quick look at the history of God.

History of Gods

According to historical scholars and researchers, Gods have been worshiped for over 5,000 years, and there is a good indication that human beings acknowledged higher powers before that. The earliest recorded worshipers were the Egyptians, who practiced rituals to worship their gods. These rituals became what we call religion, which the Oxford Dictionary defines as: “the belief in and worship of a superhuman power, especially a God or gods; a particular system of faith and worship; pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance.”

Joshua J. Mark states in his article, Religion in the Ancient World, “There is no culture in recorded human history that has not practiced some form of religion.”¹ This demonstrates people inherently know something greater than themselves exists and existed before them. But, there are those who need to see it to believe and doubt God’s existence. Philosophers have long argued their cases against and for God’s existence, but freewill gives us the ability to decide what we believe. An especially good argument for the existence of God comes from St. Thomas Aquinas’s “Five Ways” or proofs, in his book, Summa Theologica.

Why People Worship Gods

There are no historical or scientific accounts that reveal the exact reasons why people worshiped higher powers. Maybe this is why some people can’t get on board with believing in God and the practices of worship or religion. We know that human beings had a natural inclination to believe in and worship something greater than themselves and most people still do.

Religions that developed long ago have the same purpose as those practiced today, which according to Mark is, “to provide human beings with the understanding that they are not alone in their struggles, suffering, and triumphs, that they can restrain their baser urges, and that death is not the end of existence.”² From this, we see that humans have an inherent need and desire for discipline, hope, comfort, freedom, satisfaction, peace, joy, and love – the precepts and elements of happiness. But, for us to get these, we must look beyond ourselves.

Look Beyond Ourselves to God for Goodness

To look beyond oneself means to look up to God and look to others. People in ancient times looked up to the gods for the good of the group and their own benefit. They worshiped many gods because they thought there was a god for every need and aspect of their lives. They believed as long as they pleased the gods, the gods would help them exist well in this life and the next. Because the gods were supernatural, people couldn’t physically go to them or hand them gifts, so they pleased the gods by sacrificing their most excellent products to them.

To ensure the gods were pleased, rules were established and everyone was expected to follow them. Soon, people focused more on following the rules and sacrificing than revering God. This focus on adhering to the rules created legalities and fear in the people, most likely resulting in corporeal punishments and personal anxieties – certainly not criteria for happiness.

The belief that the gods had to be made happy through sacrifice in order to maintain a good life was a good track to be on for leading a fruitful life, but it is not what we know to be the way of our one true God – the Lord we know through Scripture who wants us to be happy. He’s the one who sacrificed for us and serves us with grace and mercy. He has given us directions for how to be happy.

Worshiping God

God is spirit, which according to the Amplified Bible means “the Source of life, yet invisible to mankind.” For us to be able to embrace and relate to that spirit, we often refer to God as He, but we do not worship statues of Him. God made it very clear that we are not to worship statues or idols, but to revere Him and follow His instructions. We may have representations or statues as sources to help us focus better on our Lord, but we do not worship them per se. We worship and please God by how closely we live with Him in our own spirit.

The Spirit of God

God is omnipotent and omnipresent, yet personal because He is the source of life that also resides in each of us – in our souls. I liken it to light. He puts his light in us (soul) as soon as we are created, then once we gain enough knowledge and understanding, we decide how brightly it shines.

Attributes of the Spirit of God

A good summary of who God is can be found in Scripture.  According to The Amplified Bible, God is…
wise in heart and mighty in strength (Job 9:4)
merciful and compassionate (Deuteronomy 4:31)
my helper and ally (Psalm 54:4)
refuge (Psalm 62:8)
good (Psalm 73:1)
compassionate (Psalm 116:5)
true (John 3:33)
love (1 John 4:8)
victorious (1 John 5:4)
faithful (2 Corinthians 1:18 & 1 Corinthians 1:9)
God of forgiveness (Nehemiah 9:17)
God of peace (Hebrews 13:20, 1Thessalonians 5:23, Romans 15:33)
God of comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3)
God of peace and order (1 Corinthians 14:33)

Self Test

Test yourself. Think about the effects on you and others when you are wise and strong, merciful, compassionate, a helper and friend, safe and secure, good, true, loving, victorious, faithful, are forgiven, are at peace, are comforted, and are drama free. The answer is happy.

God is spirit, consisting of all the necessities for happiness. When we are close with God and practice His virtues, we please Him, and we are happy.

God is…:  

¹, ² Mark, J. J. (2018, March 23). Religion in the Ancient World. Ancient History Encyclopedia. Retrieved from https://www.ancient.eu/religion/

#1 If You’re Happy and You Know It

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When I was a little girl, I attended Vacation Bible School at the Methodist Church in the village where I lived. It was two weeks of Bible teachings and stories, arts and crafts, playing games outdoors, singing, and snack time featuring cookies with Kool-Aid or Lemon Blennd.

Some of my favorite childhood memories are from my Bible School experiences. One of those memories is a song we used to sing, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.” The lyrics I remember singing were, “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.” (Clap clap) “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands,” (clap clap). “If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands,” (clap clap). The verses went on; “If you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet…,” “If you’re happy and you know it, shout ‘Amen…,’” and “If you’re happy and you know it, do all three….” The song’s message is clear – when we are genuinely happy, we show it by how we behave.

Real Happiness vs. Fake Happiness

“If You’re Happy and You Know It”… How many of us actually know happiness? I mean true happiness; not how we pretend to be happy for the sake of others or how we feel when we get what we want, go on vacation, or get our own way. If I were to conduct a survey using the “If You’re Happy and You Know It” song’s verses as the questions, I wonder how people would respond. There is a possibility that people’s first reaction would be that I was nuts, but let’s put that aside and just imagine their responses.

Using the lyrics, if your happy and you know it, clap your hands, stomp your feet, shout, “Amen,” and do all three, I can speculate that some people couldn’t clap because of all the stuff they were carrying; some would stomp away in an annoyed huff; others might shout something obscene at me; some people might be too occupied on their phones to even notice me. I wonder how many people would smile, put their hands together in gratitude, jump for joy, and confidently proclaim their happiness. How would you respond?

Everybody wants to be happy, but genuine happiness seems to be elusive. I believe that’s because so many people have such a difficult time defining it. Frequently, I ask clients what they mean when they tell me they want to be happy. Very few have a clear answer. Many people think being happy equates to the same kind of euphoric feelings we have when we get something new, are excited about something that’s going to happen, fall in love, have sex, or get high. Think about it. If this were the case, how long could you sustain that level of bliss? How would you maintain it during times of distress, loss, or trauma? Trying to keep up this level of unbridled bliss would be stressful and exhausting, leaving you with more angst than happiness.

Happiness vs. Pleasure

The happiness we get from other things, other people, and activities is pleasure, which is defined as, “Desire, inclination; sensual gratification; frivolous amusement; a source of delight or joy.” This is synonymous with indulgence, recreation, and hedonism – implying emotional relief and debauchery. From this, we see that pleasure can be good and bad, having the potential to make us happy and unhappy. In addition, pleasure is something we get from external sources, so we must seek it out. Therefore, pleasure has a cost. It costs us time, money, and/or dignity. If we are not careful, we can overspend and end up broken or broke and very unhappy.

Our Desire to be Happy

Our desire for pleasure is motivated by our emotions. However, our desire to be happy is motivated by our inherent knowledge to live well. When we feel sad, mad, or lonely, we want emotional relief, so we seek pleasure to replace our negative emotions with happy ones. If we use this plan to create genuine happiness, we won’t succeed. We will simply create a cycle of pleasure-seeking based on how we feel and become pleasure dependent. The song doesn’t say, “If You’re Happy and You Feel It.” It says, “Know It.” We don’t feel to be happy, we know to be happy.

No one instructed us to be happy. We just know we are to be happy – to live well. And, it is through our knowledge we find happiness. While pleasure comes from outside sources, happiness comes from within us. Pleasure is an occurrence we seek, and happiness is a condition we create. The experience we get from pleasure gives us temporary joy and fleeting satisfaction, but this is not the composition of genuine happiness.

Definition of Happiness

Science and Scripture agree on the definition and components of true happiness. Both say it is the experience of positive emotions that include peace, joy, trust, satisfaction, contentment, and unconditional love that come from having a good attitude regardless of your circumstances. Happiness is not determined by our circumstances. We determine how peaceful, joyful, and satisfied we are no matter what our circumstances are.

People can manipulate your circumstances, but no one can control your attitude. You do that yourself. You develop your own attitude with your own mind and soul – from your knowledge, your connection with God, and your beliefs, regardless of your natural disposition.

Our DNA predisposes us to certain temperaments; some people tend to be more negative than positive. However, the power of our thinking brains and the virtue of our souls can override any adverse inclinations. God gave us thinking brains that make us smarter than our emotions so we can regulate how we feel by how we think, and He gave us rules to follow that lead us to love and satisfaction – components of happiness.

Think First, Be Happy

The key is to think first and think through situations using God’s rules as a guidance system. For example, let’s say someone says something to you and you immediately feel hurt; instead of following your natural instinct to retaliate, stop for just a moment and think. Consider the person. Is his behavior out of character? Consider the person’s situation. Is he or she under stress? Consider your situation. Are you already in a bad mood or have something going on that is making you sad?

If you follow your instincts and retaliate, you put yourself in a negative emotional state of anger and vengeance, where you’ll spend your time plotting revenge or feeling angry about the injustice. This unhappy state sets you up to seek relief, so you’ll seek pleasure. You might have a few drinks, eat a bunch of carbohydrates, or go on a shopping spree; all which can easily lead to regret, guilt, and shame. Now, you’re hit with a barrage of emotions from which you’ll have to recover.

By thinking, you stop your emotional momentum. You could think the person is having a bad day and decide to hold your peace. This will prevent you from having to recover from emotional injury. Your peace will lead to joy, satisfaction, contentment, and love. You don’t have to seek relief and you may even offer the person a kind word or prayer.

My Personal Experience

Our little song shows that happiness exists with any combination of components. We can clap or stomp or shout, clap and stomp, clap and shout, stomp and shout, or do all three. For example, we can feel joy or peace or satisfaction, feel joy and peace or joy and satisfaction, feel peace and satisfaction, or have all three. It shows we have many opportunities to create genuine happiness. The beauty of genuine happiness is that one component promotes the others.

Here’s a personal example for how I used one component to promote the others. Last year I made an emergency nine hour drive to visit my son, who was severely ill. About five hours into the trip, I hit a traffic jam — the kind where you turn off  your car. Instead of getting upset, I chose to hold my peace. I repeated, “Sleeping in the boat” over and over, picturing the Bible story about the disciples in the boat with Jesus when a big storm hit. I soon felt calm and at peace. After the half hour wait traffic started moving. As I was driving, I felt more satisfied, then more joyful.

Two hours later, I hit another traffic jam. This one was a twenty minute wait. Again, I repeated, “Sleeping in the boat” and again I felt peaceful, followed by satisfaction and joy. Somehow, I arrived not much later than usual. My visit was filled with love, peace, and joy. I am happy to report my son recovered very well.

You can choose any component of happiness and set your mind to do it. Practicing it like a prayer or meditation by repeating it over and over like I did is extremely effective. Remember, it takes practice, willingness to do it, and the ability to accept how good it feels.

Like all people, you have the ability to be happy because of the mind and soul God created in you. He gave these to you, to all of us, so we can directly connect to Him and with that connection experience love, respect, honor, kindness, peace, joy, trust, satisfaction, and contentment. God created us to be happy.

The Answer

To answer the question, “how do you know true happiness?” You would sing, “If you’re happy and you know it, you know God.”

If You’re Happy and You Know It:  

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