Parents

You naturally know what you need to be happy. But, do you know the truth about getting what you need to be happy? If you are like many people, you’ve been deceived!

Physical Needs vs. Emotional Needs

We know we need food, water, and shelter in order to survive. And, we instinctually figure out how to get them when necessary. When we are denied these needs and become desperate, we will do things that, in normal circumstances, are considered to be disgusting and unlawful. Some of these behaviors can look like madness and some can disrupt order in our relationships, communities, and society.

Our physical needs are more severe in that without them we will cease to exist.  However, we also have emotional needs (Refer to Post #22 for a detailed list) that are inherent. But, since they are intangible and cannot be quantified, it’s easy for them to go unnoticed, unmet, or discounted.

Our emotional needs are food for our spirit. If we don’t get them met, we won’t cease to exist, but our spirit will suffer and wither away. And, just like our physical needs, if we are denied our emotional needs, we become desperate and our behaviors will reflect that. Hence, why children act out in negative ways and jilted lovers seek revenge.

The more adequately our needs are fulfilled, the more loved and satisfied we are. And, the more loved and satisfied we are, the happier we’ll be. But, many of us were deceived about getting what we need to be happy.

Three Deceptions About Getting What You Need to Be Happy

The deceptions you were taught about getting what you need to be happy came out of your nature. Perhaps you learned them naturally from your parents. Or, maybe your parents spent too much time living in their own nature and created an environment that promoted these ideas.

The three deceptions are:

• Other people are responsible for fulfilling your needs
• You are responsible for anticipating and giving other people what they need
• Circumstances dictate what people need

Many people live their lives based on these principles. If you’re one of them, “How is it working out for you?”

I used to live this way. So, my answer is, “It doesn’t work. None of these makes anyone happy.” After years of disappointment and exhaustion, I came to realize that these principles for getting what you need to be happy cause more pain and suffering than happiness. I had been deceived.

Deceptions are Generational

These deceptions are passed along from generation to generation until someone changes them. My parents lived with these deceptions. They didn’t teach them to me so I would be miserable. They got them from their parents and their parents from their parents, and down the generational line. So, they just passed them along to me.

People Who Didn’t Get Their Needs Adequately Met Stay in Their Nature

People who didn’t get their emotional and physical needs adequately met spend most of their lives in survival mode. Or, what I refer to as their nature and Scripture refers to as “sin nature,” “the natural,” or “the flesh.” Living in the natural results in a life of dissatisfaction and conflict and the actions of our nature are sinful. (Galatians 5: 19-21, NIV) Therefore, we perpetuate our lack of emotional needs. We constantly experience fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt. Those overused survival emotions produce anxiety, depression, poor health conditions, unfulfilled relationships, and an unhealthy society.

When you live in your nature, you experience more emotions than emotional needs. So, fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt become your primary needs and your emotional needs become wishful thinking. Your need for these emotions intensifies. You need them to stay alive, to use as means to get what you want (for manipulation), and so you can feel something that confirms you’re alive. Your need for these survival emotions prevents you from experiencing joy, peace, love, freedom, contentment, and satisfaction.

Why People Don’t Get Their Needs Met

I’m hard pressed to believe that parents have children so they can purposefully screw them up. Unfortunately, parents who are messed up create messed up lives for their children. These children learn messed up ways to cope with their messed up lives, so they become messed up too. It’s called dysfunction.

Dysfunction is not a disease, but it is a dis-ease. It disrupts the ease of life. Dysfunction steals our peace and joy. It distorts our sense of reality. Dysfunction is a cause and effect of alcohol and drug abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse, violence, untreated mental illness, and sexual abuse. It results from not having emotional and physical needs adequately met and prevents people from getting their needs met.

Seemingly well intended behaviors such as overindulgence and overprotection of children by parents actually create dysfunction. Overindulgence enforces the actions of our nature. Overprotection cultivates our natural fear.

Dysfunctional parents live and raise their children in the natural. But, after the children grow they can choose where they want to live – in the natural or above and beyond in the super-natural (in the Spirit of God).

Deceptions vs. the Truth

When you live via the super-natural you know the truth and experience ultimate happiness. You learn the truth about getting what you need to be happy. Living in the super-natural is in opposition to living in your nature where deception runs rampant. So, let’s look at three deceptions vs. the truth about getting what you need to be happy.

Deception #1: Other People are Responsible for Knowing and Fulfilling Your Needs

Why this happens: Because of dysfunction from living in the natural.

When you are born, you depend on other people (primarily mothers) to know and fulfill your needs. As you get older and more independent, you are more aware of what you need and try to get them met through communication and behaviors. If your living conditions are unrealistic and your needs are denied or your parents overindulge you, you won’t learn how to identify your needs and you won’t learn how to acquire them. You will resort to what you naturally know. Thus, you will depend on other people to know and fulfill your needs for you.

Dysfunctional people and those who continue to live in the natural focus more on their emotions than their emotional needs. Therefore, they aren’t good at identifying emotional needs nor do they know how to get them met. They rely on other people to do that for them, like when they were infants.

Why This Doesn’t Work

This doesn’t work because no one is a mind reader. Each person knows what he/she needs and everyone does not have the same need at the same time. Therefore, you cannot expect someone to know exactly what you need.

If you continue this unrealistic expectation, you will be constantly disappointed and set people up for failure. You will be angry with the person who should have known your needs and find him in contempt. Then, you will put guilt and shame on him. You will deny the person love because you do not believe the best in him. This keeps your emotional instincts alive and you in your nature.

Truth #1: You Are Responsible for Getting Your Own Needs Met

As adults, it’s true that we depend on other people to fulfill our needs sometimes, not always. No one can know with any accuracy or consistency what you need at any given moment. No one is a mind reader.

There are certain situations when people can anticipate the needs of others. For example, when couples are committed to each other and live in the super-natural, they are so mutually supportive of one another that they become aware of each other’s needs. And, are willing to submit in order to fulfill those needs. Therefore, these loyal twosomes know how to meet the needs of each other.

You must know yourself well enough to identify what you need. Then, you can communicate it to someone one. If no one is there to help you, be patient. If no one is available, communicate it to God. He has given us everything we need. But, to recognize those needs, you have to look beyond your physical expectations.

The Benefits

Being responsible for your own needs gives you value. It allows you to be honest, empathic towards yourself and others, accountable, respectful, and trusting. These are the values that lead to happiness.

Deception #2: You Are Responsible for Knowing and Fulfilling Other People’s Needs

Why this happens: Because parents lack discipline and are weak family leaders. Circumstances are threatening. Parents are control freaks. Co-dependency.

We all want people to be happy. This is especially true between children and parents. One reason we want people to be happy is for our own wellbeing. Happy people are less inclined to hurt us and are more likely to be generous. We know people are happy when they get what they need. Therefore, it’s easy to believe if we give people what they need, we will make them happy.

Weak Family Leaders and Lack of Discipline

We learn to accommodate people’s needs as children. This especially happens when parents are weak family leaders and lack discipline. This occurs when parents are permissive, overindulge their children, are narcissistic, have poor self-esteem, and lack confidence. It can also occur when parents have mood disorders or mental illness and substance abuse issues.

Growing up in these types of environments is unnerving for children and leaves them feeling insecure and scared. In order to make their situations better, children naturally take charge. They become leaders before they are equipped to do so and base their leadership skills on what they know – their nature. Since no one is there to fulfill their needs, they dominate the needs of others by giving people what they think the people need or by telling people what they need or what they need to do.

Threatening Circumstances

Any kind of abuse is unacceptable. When children are raised in abusive homes, they focus on making their parents happy. Since we all instinctually know what we need, children assume what parents need based on what their own needs. So, they try to anticipate and fulfill the needs of their parents based on what they know and for self-preservation.

Control Freaks

Control freaks need to have things their way. They are anxious and bossy. To maintain control, they tell people what the people need instead of listening to what the people need. Their children will learn how to control the needs of others from how their parent(s) do this to them and others.

Control freaks make their point by pointing at others. They are quick to say, “You need to….”

Co-Dependency

In situations where a parent is physically or emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, or drug abuser, children may learn how to anticipate and fulfill the needs of others from the non-abusive parent’s behaviors. If Mom is always anticipating what alcoholic Dad needs to be happier, she will teach her children to do the same. This is the making of co-dependency. Children of alcoholic parents learn to focus on the problem and how to mitigate it. They become addicted to taking care of people’s problems in order to make people happy. Alas, they become co-dependent. When you take someone’s problem from him, you assume you know what he needs to correct it.

Why This Doesn’t Work

In situations where children put other people’s needs before their own, the children learn their needs are less important. Therefore, the children grow to feel less valuable, less acceptable, and less loveable.

Truth #2: You are Responsible for Helping Meet the Needs of Others, but With Discipline and Prudence

In truth, we should help meet the needs of others and put others first, but with discipline and prudence. If you accommodate someone’s need just to please that person or for self-preservation, you are not being honest. As good stewards, we must serve others, not enable them. In addition, to serve people effectively, they must communicate to us what they need.

It is right to make sacrifices and extend ourselves for the good of others. But, we cannot continue to do that without tending to ourselves. It would be like driving a car on an empty tank of gas.

Sometimes we have to tend to our needs first. Think about the oxygen protocol on an airplane where you put your oxygen mask on first then you can help others. Knowing how and when to tend to our needs first requires discipline, discernment, and prudence. Sometimes we must ask for God’s guidance for this.

There are occasions when we must simply provide people with emotional needs the best way we know how. In situations where someone is grief-stricken, traumatized, or experiencing acute stress and isn’t capable of caring for himself or making decisions, we must do our best to assess the person and the situation. Then, provide the person with what we believe he needs at that time.

Why This Works

When we allow other people to be responsible for their own needs, we respect and honor them. We also trust them to be honest in asking for what they need. This gives them the ability to be accountable for themselves. It gives us the ability to be empathic and respectful. These are the values that bring us to happiness.

Deception #3: Circumstances Dictate Our Needs

Circumstances can cause us to have certain needs, but not everyone handles situations the same way. For example, when I get tense, I need privacy, but when my husband gets tense, he needs more attention and to be listened to.

We cannot assume what people need based on their circumstances and must be careful to not judge and criticize others because they don’t have the same needs that we do in similar situations.

Truth #3: Our Needs Are Unique to Us in Our Circumstances

The truth is that certain circumstances elicit certain needs. But, not everyone responds the same way. Everyone has his/her own tolerance to pain, capacity for adversity, and coping skills. Therefore, we must allow people to show us what they need. Then, do our best to serve them.

When we pay attention and listen to people, we’re already fulfilling some of their emotional needs. From the information we gather from this, we can provide them with more of what they need. This will be far more satisfying for them and us.

Summary

We all have the same needs, but not at the same time and in the same situations.  Even though our needs are the same, we are not.  Therefore, we must be mindful of our needs and the needs of others and with understanding, discipline, and prudence do our best to know and fulfill them.

The Truth About Getting What You Need to Be Happy:  

What we need to be happy goes beyond what we need to stay alive. Food and water satisfy our physical needs, but our happiness doesn’t come from our physical nature. It comes from our spirit. Therefore, what we need to be happy are unquantifiable practices that satisfy our spirit. These are known as emotional needs.

Our natural emotions are necessary for us to stay alive, but our emotional needs are necessary for us to thrive and live in happiness. They are thoughts, feelings, and behaviors we are born knowing but must learn how to acquire and to give. When our emotional needs are adequately met, the result is love, peace, joy, freedom, satisfaction and contentment, healthier self-esteem, and better relationships. We are happier.

Emotional Needs are Harder To Get Than Physical Needs

It’s easy to get our physical needs met because they are easy to communicate, easy to understand, and quantifiable. Everyone knows what it feels like to be hungry and thirsty. Therefore, all we have to do is say the words, “hungry” or “thirsty” and people understand it enough to accommodate our needs.

Physical needs are quantifiable. This makes it easier to distribute or share them. Say, you and I are hungry and I have four pretzels, I can give you two and keep two so we are both satisfied. However, communicating and getting our emotional needs met is more challenging.

Emotional needs are intangible and variable so it’s difficult to discern their authenticity. If I look healthy and am not crying, but tell you I feel depressed, how would you fulfill my emotional need(s)?

It’s difficult to fulfill the emotional needs of others because:

• The person in need might not know what he/she needs. Therefore he can’t communicate it to you.
• Emotional needs are emotionally based. Therefore, your emotional need might not make sense to someone else. This can lead to the other person feeling frustrated instead of compassionate.
• Your emotional need might be the same as the person with you. It’s difficult to give what you need to someone else.

We must learn to identify our emotional needs and how to get them met. We must also learn how to be patient when we don’t get them met right away. As important as getting our own needs met, we must learn how to meet the needs of others.

Parents are Responsible for Providing and Teaching Needs

Our parents are responsible for satisfying our physical and emotional needs until we are old enough to acquire them ourselves. They are also responsible for teaching us how to get our needs met, which helps us learn how to meet the needs of others. But, if parents lack their own emotional needs, they can’t meet their children’s needs nor can they teach their children how to get their needs met. The children grow up feeling needless. They don’t know how to identify their needs, don’t know how to get their needs met, and cannot meet the needs of others. This lack of emotional needs makes them needy.

Needy People

We often think of needy people as being weak and clingy. However, some needy people convince themselves they don’t need anything. These folks come across as being hardcore, independent, and tough. Either way, needy people lack what they need to be happy so they tend to stay where it’s most natural – in their nature. Here, their emotional needs are replaced with their survival emotions (fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt). Since we are born with these emotions, it’s no effort to acquire them. And, they are dependable.

Needy people develop a dependency on their survival emotions. These emotions keep them alive, but they come to depend on them so they can feel alive. Their dependency on these self-defeating emotions causes them to behave like addicts. They behave in ways that perpetuate their survival and survival emotions.

Most needy people don’t have bad intentions. They didn’t grow enough in truth and are blind to the reality of emotional needs since emotional needs weren’t part of their reality. So, in trying to help someone, a needy person may get too involved in that person’s business and overstep his/her boundaries. This will cause more discord than peace.

Needy people struggle in relationships because they need to be needed. So, they seek out victims or make people into poor souls who need to be saved. Fear, guilt, and shame push them to save all the helpless poor souls they encounter. Since they imagine people are victims, needy people also imagine how the victims feel and what they need. Then, they provide them with imagine based goods and services. While these goods and services work in their minds, the recipients don’t usually share the same view. The result is dissatisfaction for all involved.

We Need Other People

We depend on our parents to first provide us with what we need. As we get older, friends are our emotional needs suppliers. If we get married, spouses are responsible for meeting each other’s needs. We can’t expect anyone to know exactly what we need unless that person is committed and really knows us. Even then, we may have to communicate our needs.

The one being we can always depend on, who is committed to us and knows each of us better than anyone, is God. Therefore, if other people fall short of meeting our needs, God will give us exactly what we need. We just have to communicate with Him.

Our Needs Vary But Serve The Same Purpose

Our emotional needs vary just like our physical needs. They vary depending on our age and what’s going on in our lives. Even though they vary, they are interrelated. As food can be a liquid that also quenches our thirst and a liquid can be food that also satisfies our hunger, our emotional needs are linked and overlap. Regardless of their specific function, all emotional needs have the same purpose. They feed our souls and make us happy.

The Emotional Needs That Make Us  Happy

I have identified 20 emotional needs that we all have. They are safety/security, touch, attention, acceptance, support, nurtured, to be listened to, discipline, guidance, to accomplish, humor, to play and have fun, ability to grieve, truth, loyalty, freedom, privacy, gratitude, spirituality, and unconditional love.

We are born knowing and desiring these needs. For example, a baby will naturally grip his mother’s finger. And, how many times have you or your teenager cried, “You’re not listening to me!”? The level to which we get our emotional needs met correlates with the elements of happiness we experience. And, how well our emotional needs were met is proportional to how acceptable, valuable, and loveable we believe we are.

Effects and Importance of Our Emotional Needs

This next section details the effects and importance each need has on our happiness.

Safety/Security

Safety and security go hand in hand because when we are safe and secure, we develop confidence and courage to explore and pursue opportunities. We are free of worry and fear. This leads to a more satisfying life. If we feel unsafe or insecure, we are always on alert for danger. Our survival emotions are overused and we develop anxiety and depression.

• God keeps us safe and promises security when we trust Him.

Touch

Touch is the first sensory system we develop. Babies are comforted and thrive better when they are touched. Numerous studies show how touch promotes healing and good health and is linked to lowering blood pressure and heart rate. It reduces stress, strengthens team dynamics, and binds relationships.

• There are numerous stories in the Bible about Jesus healing people through touch.

Attention

If we didn’t get attention, we wouldn’t get noticed. If we didn’t get noticed, we wouldn’t get anything we need. When we get good attention, we are valued. However, when we get bad attention, we are devalued. When we get the attention we need, we are satisfied. This satisfaction allows us to pay better attention to others and our environment. When we pay attention, we benefit more.

• A great Biblical example is the story of Peter healing the lame beggar. The beggar only wanted money, but by paying attention to Peter and John, he got more than money. He was healed. This teaches us that we get more than we ask for when we pay attention. Acts 3:1-8

Acceptance

One of the three things we must believe about ourselves to be happy is that we are acceptable (good enough). We develop this belief early on from how accepted we felt by our parents. Feeling acceptable gives us a sense of value. When we feel acceptable we are more accepting of others.

• Jesus repeatedly accepted people who behaved in unacceptable ways. The message is what we do does not define who we are. If God accepts us even when we sin, we should accept ourselves and others within the context of His love.

Support

Support means to hold up, encourage, help stay upright. It takes effort, compassion, integrity, and patience to support someone. We rely on others for support during those rough times in life. And, we need to support others even when their difficulties seem minor to us. Support is built on integrity and faith. When we support one another, we strengthen our relationship.

• “They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.” Psalms 18:18 NIV

To be Nurtured

When we nurture something, we care about it enough to encourage and train it to grow strong and healthy. Sometimes we nurture by comforting and encouraging. Other times we must do things that seem painful. For example, to help plants grow better, we cut off unproductive branches. When we nurture our children, we may cause them pain (disappointment) by prohibiting them from getting what they want at the moment. We yield more fruit when we are nurtured.

• God’s word nurtures us by giving us comfort and encouragement. It provides us with lessons that can be painful but make us more physically and spiritually fruitful. 2 Timothy 3:16 (NIV) tells us, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” God tells parents about the importance of nurturing their children.

To Be Listened To

Have you ever needed to talk to someone about something really important to you, only to see that the “listener” wasn’t paying attention? It makes the speaker feel deflated and devalued. Regrettably, it’s happened to me and more regrettably, I’ve done it to others.

In truth, we need to be listened to and be good listeners. Both give us value. When we are listened to, we are esteemed. We are validated. When we listen to others, we esteem them. We show them they are worthy of our precious time. When we are not listened to, we are rejected. This leads to negative outcomes. When we are not good listeners, we reject others. We deny them validation and deny ourselves the opportunity to serve others.

• God told Peter, James, and John to listen to Jesus. God’s message was to pay attention, understand, and be disciplined in following His ways. Jesus was straight forward to say what happens to relationships when people don’t listen. “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” Matthew 10:14 (NIV)

Discipline

The word “discipline” originates from the Latin word disciplina which means “instruction.” It’s derived from the root word, discere which means “to learn.” “Disciple” or “Pupil” comes from the Latin word discipulus which is also derived from disciplina.

Discipline is also synonymous with punishment. But, punishment is used as a way to get people to learn how to behave better.

We associate discipline with rules and associate rules with restriction and deprivation. This makes us feel like we aren’t free. Some of us will proclaim that we have no willpower (discipline). Perhaps this is just a proclamation to ensure one’s sense of freedom.

It’s not true that no one has willpower. God gave us the ability to think. If you can think, you can practice discipline and be a disciple (a pupil of knowledge). Discipline doesn’t take away our freedom. It regulates our feelings and adjusts our attitudes and behaviors to prevent us from things that cause us harm. Discipline makes us wise, keeps us healthy, and gives us freedom. It positions us closer to God.

• The Bible has several references about the importance of discipline, especially children’s need for discipline. These include Job 5:17 and Proverbs 5:23, 12:1, 13:24, 19:18, and 29:17. “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

Guidance

None of us has an internal GPS for our life’s journey. We must learn how to live well and how to be happy through wise counsel, aka guidance. This knowledge comes from people with experience and knowledge, including those who wrote the word of God. Even if you aren’t a believer but want to live a good life, the Bible is a great guide to help you achieve this.

• “let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance” Proverbs 1:5 (NIV)

To Accomplish

Have you ever known someone who grew up not having to do chores or things for him/herself? These unaccomplished children grow up dissatisfied. They feel like something is missing because they were cheated out of developing their skills and talents. They also missed out on the rewards and satisfaction that comes with completing something on their own.

We all have abilities, talents, and skills that allow us to accomplish. When we work to accomplish, we gather knowledge, learn our limits, learn how to fail, learn how to succeed, and learn how to ask for help. We learn how to serve others.

• Exodus 35: 31-33 (NIV)  shows how God gives us gifts to accomplish: “and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic crafts.”

Humor

One of the first things we do with babies is to try to make them laugh. Humor gives us the ability to use the creative part of our brains. It lightens our mood and brings about laughter. We all have a funny bone. Read post #21 about the benefits of laughter.

• “He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21 (NLT)

Play and Have Fun

One of the things we associate with children is playing. It’s their primary activity. Children are expected to play until they get older, then we yell at them for “playing around.” Our need to play and have fun ever stops. It’s what and how we play that changes.

Childhood play is necessary for physical and mental development. It also teaches cooperation and develops good social interaction. During adulthood, we play and have fun to ease our minds away from the seriousness of life and for social interaction. As senior citizens, we play to keep our minds sharp and for social interaction.

Playing and having fun brings about peace and prosperity and is the result of peace and prosperity.

• Zechariah describes the peace and prosperity coming to Zion. “Thus says the Lord of hosts, ‘Old men and old women will again sit in the streets (public places) of Jerusalem, each man with his staff in his hand because of his advanced age. And the streets of the city will be filled with boys and girls playing in its streets.'” Zechariah 8:4-5 (AMP)

Ability to Grieve

Grief is the reaction to a loss. We often refer to grief when we suffer a major loss. However, grief occurs when we lose – period. Since no one goes through life without losing, no one escapes grief. The sooner you experience it, the better you will be at managing it later on. Children need to know how to lose without getting compensated. Their first lesson comes when they want something and their parents tell them, “No.” They lose out.

Grief is so miserable, we try to avoid it. Parents do this by giving into children or replacing what the children lost with something else. But, in real grief, there is no replacement. We need to be allowed to work through the pain of grief with the help of love, comfort, support, and hope.

• Grief is temporary when we rely on God’s help. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34:18 (NIV)

Truth

We cannot live without truth. God is truth and a successful society is based on truth. Since God is in us, we also have truth in us. Truth is the basis for love and freedom.

• “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:6 ”  “…If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

Loyalty

Loyalty is akin to integrity. It is synonymous with commitment, devotion, dependability, trustworthy, steadfast, firm, constant support. Knowing this, how can any relationship work without loyalty?

“Commit to the Lord, he will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3

Freedom

Freedom is not the same as taking license. It is given to those who work for it, whether that means following rules to maintain order or fighting against tyrants. Taking license is an “abusive disregard for rules of personal conduct.” Taking license takes away freedom because it can cause permanent damage to others.

• Jesus died so we can be eternally free from the bondage of condemnation. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

Privacy

Children start to avoid the family around the age of 13. They need their own time. Mothers retreat to the bathtub and fathers go work out in the garage or retreat to their man caves. We need this time alone to just be.

Privacy teaches us boundaries, allows us to relax, and allows us to do good without being seen. This prevents us from bragging and boasting. Privacy gives us time to have good conversations with God. Our private time can enlighten us and renew our minds.

• “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” Matthew 6:6 (NIV)

Gratitude

“Thank you!” How does this response affect you when you’ve done something for someone? Gratitude shows how much we appreciate someone and reminds us of the good things we have. We need to be grateful and we need to be appreciated. Being grateful makes us be happy.

• “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:17

Spirituality

Happiness comes from our spirit. God is spirit. Therefore, we need to live beyond are nature and embrace our spirituality. It gives us hope and hope gives us motivation and strength to move ahead. We are the happiest when we live in our spirit.

• “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.” Psalms 62:5

Unconditional Love

The ultimate love is unconditional. While many of us want to believe that we love unconditionally, our human weakness sets us back and we put expectations on people, keep score with people, and live by the “if you… then I will…” principle of love. We all want to receive unconditional love but struggle with giving unconditional love. It can’t be one way. We have unconditional love from God and we learn how to love unconditionally by following Jesus.

• “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

We need each other and depend on each other to fulfill our needs. There will be times when it seems like no one is there to satisfy your needs. During those times as always, God is there to supply us with all that we need. “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

What We Need to be Happy:   

Human beings are wired to constantly want. We want things for ourselves and we want things for other people. A want that is common to all of us is the want to be happy. We want to be happy and we want other people to be happy. However, I’ve learned that many people can’t define happiness and don’t understand what being happy really means. Perhaps that’s why so many people talk more about their unhappiness than their happiness. Before we can get what we want, we must know what that want is. How to Live Longer in Happiness – Part 2: Defining Happiness explains the true meaning of happiness and what it means to be happy.

Why We Struggle With Happiness

Many of us struggle with being happy because we were misinformed about it and happiness. Many of us were led to believe that we must depend on other people to make us happy, that we have to make other people happy, and our circumstances determine our happiness. We were also led to believe that being happy is an emotion. We should have learned the truth; that we must pursue our own happiness, everyone is responsible for his/her own happiness, and we can experience some level of happiness despite our circumstances. We should have also been taught that being happy is not an emotion. It is a condition. We know emotions are fickle. If happiness is an emotion, it cannot be constant. So, what is happiness?

Definition of Happy and Happiness

The best didactic definition of happiness I found is in Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language (compact edition, Walking Lion Press). It states this: Happiness is “The agreeable sensations that spring from the enjoyment of good; the state of a being in which his desires are gratified by the enjoyment of pleasure without pain. Happiness is comparative. To a person distressed with pain, relief from that pain affords happiness; in other cases, we give the name happiness to positive pleasure or an excitement of agreeable sensations. Happiness, therefore, admits of indefinite degrees of increase in enjoyment, or gratification of desires. Perfect happiness, or pleasure unalloyed with pain, is not attainable in this life.”

The 1828 Dictionary says this about happy: “The pleasurable sensations derived from gratification of sensual appetites render a person temporarily happy; but he only can be esteemed really and permanently happy, who enjoys peace of mind in the favor of God.”

Where Happiness Comes From

We see that happiness is relative, varies in intensity, can be constant, but not absolute in this life, and is a natural desire, but not an inherent sensation. Happiness comes from good and God. Therefore, it comes from good thoughts, good behaviors, good intentions, and good grief. We find it beyond our natural being. We find happiness in our supernatural state of being.

I bet sometime during your childhood you were told to, “Think good thoughts.” People tell us this when we are scared or nervous. When we think good thoughts, we activate our conscious mind (thinking brain) so it overrides the activity of our subconscious mind (emotional instincts), making us more mindful, and we feel better. As adults, visions of sugar-plums dancing in our heads is not as effective as realistic thoughts. So, we think good thoughts be recalling pleasant memories and through gratitude. Just thanking God throughout the day for what you have and what you can do creates good thoughts, which turn into good behaviors, and good intentions.

Good behavior and good intentions occur when we are prudent. Prudence leads to knowledge, wisdom, and a happier life.  Good behaviors and good intentions result in more satisfying relationships and greater satisfaction with ourselves and we are happier.

“Good grief” is an expression of dismay frequently droned by Charlie Brown. It’s an oxymoron since grief does not feel good. A more accurate expression would be, “Good after grief” because God promises us joy after mourning. When we are deep in grief it is difficult to imagine any kind of joy. However, we can hold onto our peace by remembering Jesus’s peace, thinking in terms of peace, and simply telling ourselves to be peaceful. Then, joy will follow and we will return to happiness.

Happiness is Comparative to Pleasure and Pain

The definition shows happiness is proportional to pleasure and pain. It is easy to be happy when we are gratified (pleased by getting what we want) or free of pain. During these good times, there is no need to be on alert, so our alert system goes into standby mode. But, when we don’t get what we want or we’re in pain, our alert system is triggered. We get flooded with fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt – the antitheses of happiness. To overcome these emotions, we must have a deeper understanding of pain, pleasure, and the abilities God gave us to pursue happiness.

Pain

To further understand happiness, let’s take a closer look at pain and pleasure. Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines pain as: “An uneasy sensation in animal bodies, of any degree from slight to extreme distress or torture, proceeding from pressure, tension or spasm, separation of parts by violence, or any derangement of functions. Uneasiness of mind; disquietude; anxiety; solicitude for the future, grief, sorrow for the past. We suffer pain when we fear or expect evil; we feel pain at the loss of friends or property.”

When we are in physical pain, we focus on acquiring relief and we rely on other people to help us with that. We take medication, have medical procedures, or get physical therapy.  When we have emotional pain, we are less inclined to rely on others for help and try to relieve it ourselves. We complain, whine, or self-medicate with food, alcohol, drugs, or shopping. Soon, these relief aids have more control over us than we have over them and we “need” a drink, “don’t mean to complain, but can’t help it,” or “can’t eat just one cookie.” We are victims of our own misery and suffer from chronic unhappiness.

Pleasure

Pleasure is defined as, “The gratification of the senses or of the mind; agreeable sensations or emotions; the excitement produced by enjoyment or the expectation of good. We receive pleasure from the indulgence of appetite, the view of a beautiful landscape, the harmony of sounds, an agreeable society, the expectation of seeing an absent friend; from the prospect of gain or success of any kind. Pleasure is properly positive excitement of the mind.”

We need pleasure and God wants us to have it. Everyone needs pleasure because it motivates us to do things we remember as enjoyable and avoid past situations that caused pain. Pleasure is important for continuing a healthy existence because many pleasurable experiences are associated with satisfying our basic needs, such as eating, sleeping, hygiene, exercising, and sex.

The definition of pleasure shows it is good if it comes from good and used for good. It also indicates we can get pleasure from others and we can find it ourselves. Either way, happiness exists when we are prudent in seeking pleasure. There is little to no happiness when we seek pleasure for relief.

Relief Pleasure

In this series, I refer to two kinds of pleasure; relief pleasure and prudent pleasure. In Part 1 of How to Live Longer in Happiness, I talked about living in the natural or survival mode. When people live in the natural or survival mode they have higher levels of stress hormones and experience chronic fear, anger, contempt, shame, and guilt. This causes them to be anxious, depressed, resentful, bitter, jealous, irritable, and petulant. Clearly, these emotions, attitudes, and behaviors do not activate the joy center of the brain. To light up the joy center of their brains and get relief from their misery, these nature dwellers need a hit of “happy hormones,” like Dopamine. They get this through seeking and experiencing pleasure.

Desperate for relief, these folks seek quick fix pleasure or binge with impulsive pleasures; and lots of it. Relief pleasure is anything that gives them a rush. It could be sensual or sexual pleasure; they might overeat, over drink, binge shop, or engage in risky behaviors. They may find pleasure in gambling or even over-exercising.

This kind of pleasure is temporary because it’s only remembered as a relief. It usually ends in regret and is costly. It costs money, time, reputation, or worse. Impulsive pleasure gives temporary relief from the agony of living in survival mode. Unlike prudent pleasure that perpetuates happiness, relief pleasure perpetuates misery.

Pleasure and Living in Survival Mode vs. Living in Happiness

This illustration shows what we experience when we live in the natural and live in happiness and the pleasure cycle for each.

Prudent Pleasure

Prudent pleasure is planned. It’s the kind of pleasure that comes from good thinking and good intent. This kind of pleasure is like the kind described in the definition. It also includes things like vacations, fellowship with family and friends, planned nights out, massages, or just taking time to relax. This pleasure has a lasting effect. It’s the kind of pleasure we enjoy remembering with photos and reminiscing. It puts us in a state of happiness.

The Elements of Happiness

Happiness is a state of being resulting from an amalgamation of certain elements. These elements are God’s gifts to us and a direct connection to Him. While we have a natural desire for them, they are not naturally acquired. We must go beyond our natural state, above our instincts and subconscious mind for them. They are literally in the higher part of our brain where we think and make decisions; in the supernatural area of our mind. This puts them in a supernatural realm. These elements are joy, peace, love, freedom, satisfaction, and contentment.

Pleasure is a catalyst for happiness, but we can create and maintain happiness for ourselves by practicing and experiencing any one of the elements. Each element has pieces of the other elements in them. For example, when we have joy, we also have peace, freedom, love, and satisfaction. When we have peace, we have freedom, satisfaction, and contentment. So, this makes it easier to acquire all of them even when we only have one.

Definitions and Details of Elements

To know happiness, we must fully understand these elements. Here is a detailed explanation of the elements that make up happiness along with supernatural details that come from Scripture. (Note that all definitions are from Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language as indicated above.)

Joy is defined as, “The passion or emotion excited by the acquisition of expectation of good; that excitement of pleasurable feelings which is caused by success, good fortune, the gratification of desire or some good possessed, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire.”

Joy was described in the Old Testament. As early as Samuel, joy was described as God’s mercy and shown to include the elements of freedom and peace as God led the Israelites to freedom with peace and joy.

God wants us to have joy. He gives it to us in His mercy but tells us the reality that joy doesn’t come easy. Jesus explains that we will have His joy as long as we remain disciples and follow Him. Jesus also tells us that despite our grief and pain, we will be joyful again.

Paul reminds us that as long as we have God in our hearts and are disciples of Christ, we can be joyful no matter what our circumstances.

Peace

Peace is defined as, “A state of quiet or tranquility; freedom from disturbance or agitation (fear, terror, anger, anxiety).”

Jesus made it clear that we all have peace within us, and with Him and through Him we will remain peaceful.

Like joy, we can’t just wait around for our lives to become peaceful. We must make a concerted effort to have it. First, we must know what peace is. Then, we must be patient, mindful, empathic, strong, determined, and kind so we can create and maintain it.

Peace is synonymous with freedom from worry and fear. It also brings us joy, satisfaction, contentment, and love.

Love

Love is defined as, “An affection of the mind excited by beauty and worth of any kind, or by the qualities of an object which communicates pleasure.” An even better definition of love is in 1 Corinthians 13 4-8:

“4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].
8 Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or come to an end].” *

When we live in love, we can’t help but live in happiness.

Freedom

Freedom is defined as, “A state of exemption from the power of control of another. Exemptions from restraint or control.”

For anything to grow, it must be free. This includes us as individuals and as children of God.

Freedom is not a rite of passage or a God-given right. Someone has to pay for it. For ages, people have sacrificed their lives, money, and families for freedom from tyranny on this earth. And, Jesus paid for our eternal freedom with His life. God wants us to be free to grow. So, through His love, He created us to have freedom of choice. We can choose to live in the natural or in the free spiritual realm of happiness. To live in freedom, we must live in the spirit of Christ with peace, joy, and love.

Satisfaction

Satisfaction is defined as, “That state of mind which results from the full gratification of desire; to rest in confidence of mind or contentment with present possessions and enjoyment. The act of pleasing or gratifying.” Satisfaction is synonymous with contentment, joy, and gratification.

Since we are greedy and competitive by nature, we are easily dissatisfied. Comparing what we have with what other people have keeps us in high alert (fear in natural). We take constant inventory of what we see other people have and what we have. This gives us no rest (peace) of mind and no appreciation for what we do have. It prohibits us from enjoying our own gifts and talents. And, the things we acquire are not gratifying since they are merely devices to get us ahead of our competitors.

We must learn how to be satisfied through appreciation, truth, and acceptance. Scripture tells us that we will be satisfied when we satisfy others (Isaiah 59: 10-11)  and that God satisfies us when we rely upon and honor Him. Psalms 107: 8-9 and Proverbs 19:23.

Many nature dwellers focus so much on their own misery, they become blind to the needs of others. Therefore, they fail to be empathic and don’t extend themselves to the mercy of others. They miss out on the act of pleasing others through service and remain dissatisfied and distressed.

Contentment

Contentment is defined as, “Rest or quietness of the mind in the present condition; satisfaction which holds the mind in peace, restraining complaint, opposition, or further desire, and often implying a moderate degree of happiness.” It is synonymous with satisfaction, gratification, and overjoyed.

Contentment is also counterintuitive. We must learn to be content, which is counter to what we first learned. By nature, we learned that other people are responsible for our contentment. When we were infants, we expressed dissatisfaction, like hunger and discomfort, through crying. Our mothers tended to our needs and we were content. This makes us believe that other people are responsible for our contentment.

If we were raised in less than ideal conditions where the people in charge were only content when things were going their way or there was a celebration, we learned that contentment is determined by our circumstances. This is also untrue. We can be content in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, but only through our faith in God. Paul explains this in Philippians 4: 11-13 while he was in prison. It was under these dismal conditions that Paul wrote so many good letters in the Bible.

Paul tells us that we can be content with success and failure. Contentment does not mean we are complacent. Complacency means we just settle into apathy. When we are content, we continue to have goals and dreams we want to achieve and we continue constant work at being better versions of ourselves. We continue efforts to live longer in happiness.

Summary

Understanding the composition of happiness, the need for pleasure, and the role pain has to deepen our happiness is the second step for living longer in happiness. Part 3 will explain how you get from nature/survival mode to living in happiness. Stay tuned!

How to Live Longer in Happiness Part 2: Defining Happiness:  

*Scripture quotations are taken from the Amplified® Bible (AMPC),
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